Faithfully Thinking: He will lift it soon

My daughter was drawing with sidewalk chalk outside the house. She drew a heart. I doodled some hearts and an angel near her heart.

She’s 5.

Sometimes 5 going on adult.

The song “Trust and Obey” had been going through my head much of the day, though I didn’t know why.

I wrote the word Trust in orange chalk on a step.

“What are you writing?”

“Just a word.”

“What’s it say?”

“Trust.”

“Oh”

She steps down off the step and looks at it. She can’t read yet.

“That should say Jesus after it.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. Trust Jesus and believe in God and He will lift it.”

Watching her.

“He will lift what?”

“He will lift the corona. He will lift it soon. Just believe in God. Write that.”

“Well, that’s a lot to write, but I’ll write, ‘Trust Jesus. He will lift it soon.'”

“Okay.”

And she skipped away.

What’s weird is she rarely says stuff like this.

Sometimes when I say “let’s pray,” she rolls her eyes. She wasn’t brought up in Sunday School like my son was and sometimes I feel like I’m letting her down that way but then she comes out with something like this and I think “oh…apparently she’s listening to the sermons and me more than I think.”

And we weren’t talking about corona before she said this either, but I could tell it had been on her mind and she had reached a point where she just knew — it’s going to be okay.

 

Sunday bookends: Missing the familiar, I finally finished a book and observations since moving into our new home

It’s weird how I keep waiting for this new house to feel familiar when I know it will take a long time for it to happen. Oddly, it does feel somewhat like “home” already and did as soon as we moved in two weeks ago. I don’t miss the town we left, but I do miss the house and the familiarity of the neighborhood. I miss my tub that was bigger and how cozy our small bathroom used to feel.

I miss looking out my backdoor and seeing my neighbor’s house, knowing she’s in there being awesome, because she is. I miss that I could walk next door with a treat for her (though I wish I had done that more now) and she would tell me some hilarious story about her friends (she called one Divorced Debby), her trips to the local casino and her morning swims at the YMCA 30 minutes away. And I miss that sometimes when we were outside in the yard she would talk to me from her bedroom window and she would assure me that I will survive perimenopause and she’d had a lot of the symptoms I am experiencing when I was her age. Let’s be honest, I just miss her.

I miss being close to larger stores and larger playgrounds, but I don’t miss the cliques that were so prevalent where we used to live. I don’t miss driving by old houses where loved ones once live but no longer do or driving by the part of the local cemetery where so many young people were buried. I’m definitely glad to be closer to my parents and in a more rural area too.

Some things I have observed since moving here:

  1. I have failed as a mother because my son has no idea the difference between a washcloth and a hand towel.

“Oh my gosh! It’s like Grandma with the spoons!” To explain, my son sets the table when we go to my parents for lunch on Sundays and he sets the table with the soup spoons, which are larger, instead of the regular dinner spoons, which are smaller. The fact he still doesn’t know the difference cracks us up and the fact we even care what size the spoons are drives him insane. “They’re spoons! Who cares!”

So when he came back from upstairs with a washcloth for me to put in our tiny bathroom on the towel rack (emphasis on the word towel) I stared at him and thought, “My Lord, I’ve never taught my son what a hand towel is. What kind of a mother am I?” So I explained to him that a hand towel is larger than a washcloth, therefore making it easier to dry your hands on. His response? “Who cares?! You can still dry your hands on it!”

Anyhow, have I mentioned my son is a teenager now?

2. Speaking of our tiny bathroom, this room has started to become one of my favorite places to be.

No, it’s not one of my favorite rooms for any reason related to digestive issues I may or may not have (not, thankfully). It’s a favorite of mine because it’s small, quiet and no one can find me. The hum of the fan built into the light also drowns out the sound of whining children, barking dogs, the yowling cat or the husband asking if I’ve unpacked the rest of the clothes yet. I won’t deny I go in there with my phone, with the plan to sit there for a long while, though that plan often falls through and I end up coming out to the sound of a little voice asking “Mooooom? Where are you?”

3. I’ve have spent almost 18 years of marriage without a breadbox or a butter dish. And that is sad. I got one this week in the mail and just ordered the other. Thank you to my friend Jonica (isn’t that an awesome name?) who told me about this butter dish:

I can’t wait to try it out and officially have a butter dish (even though I don’t use that much butter since I no longer eat bread. I can put it on baked potatoes, though!).


4. I know I am officially old because the most exciting thing that happened to me this week was that I bought a breadbox and a vacuum cleaner. Not only was the vacuum cleaner exciting but I looked forward all day to using it and when it appeared I would have to go to bed before I used it, I made everyone stay up late so I could use it. I know. It’s so sad. I recognize this.

5. All of the windows in this house are crank windows. Every last one, which means it will be very hard to put air conditioners in the windows and we will be very hot most of the summer. Or it means we will call someone to replace some of our windows soon.

I finally finished Falling For You by Becky Wade, which was the second book in The Bradford Sister’s series. Each book of the series focuses on a different sister. The first book focuses on Nora, the second on Willow, and the third on Britt. And, of course, each sister has their own love story. I just started the third book in the series, Sweet on You this weekend. True to You is the first book in the series. Each book includes a romance and a little bit of a mystery. They are clean/Christian fiction and very well written.

I also read a chapter a night of About Your Father by Peggy Rowe. As I told her on her Facebook page, reading one chapter a night is like unwrapping a special gift at the end of a long day.

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712VW7RcmDL._RI_Because I want to start a garden, I’ve been watching a show from Ireland called Grow, Cook, Eat. I’m learning a lot about planting, harvesting and cooking various vegetables, but I’m also developing the weird habit of speaking in an Irish accent. We visited our local greenhouse Saturday and my daughter chose a Begonia, which I proceeded to pronounce the name of in a thick Irish accent. In public. So…yeah..there is a downside for those around me to me binge-watching an Irish show. Unfortunately for them, I’m going to watch it again this week as I try to decide the best way to take care of the flowers and the herbs I bought until I can figure out where I’m going to plant them.

I did learn this week that the garden space we have practically floods during heavy rainfall so I am considering building raised garden beds, which for someone whose thumb is more black than green (I kill plants. Remember?), is pretty ambitious, if not insane. Still, I would like to at least try to build them and plant in them and see what develops.

I also watched a movie called Juliet and Rodeo on Amazon that I thought was going to be totally horrible, but it actually wasn’t that bad. The acting was pretty authentic, less like lines being delivered, and more organically done. It’s about a romance writer who goes back to her father’s ranch to sell it after he dies. She goes back to her past (of course) and brings her daughter who meets a handsome young man and, you know, conflict and love ensues. It was a nice distraction from other things this week.

Getting out of the house Saturday was definitely needed and we enjoyed our trip to a small greenhouse about ten minutes from our house that has been run by a local family for the last 45 years or so. I’ll be writing about that trip in a separate blog post later this week. I picked up a hanging basket for my mom for Mother’s Day because I had a feeling I wouldn’t actually get it done next week. I am surprised at myself but I didn’t even take a photo of the basket before I dropped it off at their house on the way back from the greenhouse.

I did take a few photos at the greenhouse of my daughter dressed up as Elsa (side note: I can not take watching Frozen II one more time! NOT. ONE. MORE. TIME.)

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So what have all you been up to this week? Reading or watching anything good? Let me know in the comments!

Special Fiction Saturday: The Farmer’s Daughter, Chapter 6

I posted Chapter 5 of The Farmer’s Daughter yesterday. You can catch up on the story HERE or at the link at the top of the page.


The sun was already hot on the back of Robert’s neck and it wasn’t even 9 a.m. yet. He chose a wrench from the toolbox sitting next to the tractor and leaned over the engine, hoping to find out why the tractor had sputtered to a stop earlier in the day.

He knew the rest of this hot day would be a tough one, one that would leave him with a red, burned neck if he wasn’t careful. Annie was always after him to put on his sunscreen. He scoffed almost every time. Sunscreen? Really? He’d lived and worked on this farm his whole life and never wore sunscreen. That was until he met Annie and she ran around behind him with a bottle ready to squirt the cold, white liquid on the back of his neck, arms, ears, anything exposed to the sun. This morning he’d skipped out before she could catch him, but he knew she’d be out eventually, bottle in hand.

“You’re going to need this,” she’d say. “Can’t have you getting skin cancer on top of all the other stresses we’ve got going on at this place.”

Robert reached for a different wrench and bent over the tractor’s engine again. This time the wrench fit smoothly over the bolt and he started twisting, biting his lower lip like he always did when he was focused on a task. Annie was right. There were enough stresses on this farm. His health didn’t need to be one of them. Working the bolt loose he heard a car engine and looking up he watched one of his many stresses weave down the long driveway, past the farmhouse and up toward the barn. It looked like this day wasn’t going to be one of the easy ones.

Dust billowed around the car and rolled toward Robert. He squinted, keeping one eye on the bolt he was working on and one eye on the imposing figure climbing out of the drivers seat of the beat-up blue Toyota Camry. He may have looked imposing, but Robert knew there wasn’t anything imposing about Bill Eberlin, the man he’d known since high school who was more threatening to a plate of wings than he was to another man.

Bill Eberlin lumbered toward him in his familiar gate with a slight limp, button up shirt partially untucked from the top of a pair of oversized black dress pants, his large belly stretching the limit of the shirt. The collar of his ruffled suit coat had somehow gotten flipped up on one side, down on the other, and Robert could see by the sweat glistening on his foreahead that the air conditioning had broke down in his car.

Robert kept his eyes on the engine as Bill approached, tightening his jaw as he worked the bolt loose.

“Robert. How’s it going?”

Robert smiled, glancing briefly at Bill. Bill’s face, his cheeks slightly puffed, slightly sagging from age, was a mix of flushed red and pale white.

“Okay, Bill. How’s it going in the banking business?”

“I think you know the answer to that Robert. Been trying to get you on the phone. Sent you a couple of letters. Haven’t heard back from you, but figured you’ve just been busy. For the last six months.”

Robert’s smile faded. He straightened and focused his gaze on Bill’s. “Yeah, Bill, I know. Walter and I have been talking about how to take care of this. We’ve been meaning to call you.”

Bill let out a long breath, leaned back against the barn door. He rubbed his big hands against his eyes. “Listen, Robert, you know I don’t like being hard on you guys. We went to school together. I like you and your brother and I love to see farms thrive.” He looked up, his expression serious. “It’s my bosses. They’ve really been on me to get you back on track with payments. I want to work with you, okay? If I can just get you to talk to me, we can find a way to make this work.”

Robert wiped grease off his hands and nodded. “I know, Bill. I’m sorry we avoided you. It’s not like me, you know that. I guess I was just trying to buy us some more time. We were hoping for better milk numbers this month and that didn’t happen. We were also helping for a better corn crop and that’s not going so well either. I kept thinking things would get better and —”

Bill chuckled softly, sliding his hands in the pockets of his wrinkled dress pants. “That’s not happening either. I get it buddy. It’s tough for a lot of farmers right now. For a lot of small business owners for that matter. I’m  beginning to feel more like a therapist than a loan officer.”

Robert nodded, walked toward Bill and leaned back against one of the tractor’s towering tires. He and Bill stood there in silence a few moments, looking out over the fields.

Bill sighed. “Times are tough, all over, Robert, is what I’m saying. You’re not the only one in trouble.” He looked over at Robert. “Don’t feel ashamed, alright? I’ve got a 3 o’clock Tuesday. Come in and we’ll work something out. Maybe we can even lower your payments, get you a better interest rate and get you caught up.”

“Thanks, Bill. I’ll be there.”

“Bring that lovely wife of yours too. She brightens up a room. Maybe she can charm the manager into a loan extension.”

Bill winked and stuck his hand out toward Robert, who took it and shook it.

“Be careful out there, Bill,” Robert said, pushing the door to Bill’s car closed.

Bill laughed softly as he slid the key in the ignition. “I know you’re a praying man, Rob, so pray for me. I’m on my way to Nelson Landry’s.”

Robert leaned back from the car and whistled. “You got your bullet proof vest?”

Bill shook his head, and smiled. “I don’t. That’s why I need the prayers. Heard the last guy who drove up there looking for payment had a bullet shot through the back window.”

“Nah,” Robert said. “I heard he just shot a warning shot in the air.”

Bill shifted the car into reverse, his foot still on the break. “Either way, I’m not looking forward to it.”

“Who knows. Maybe you’ll get lucky and this will be one of his hangover days.”

“Yeah, you know, I can’t figure out how he keeps that gas station open and keeps such late nights at the bar at the same time.”

Bill backed out and waved at Robert. “See you Tuesday. Hang in there.”

Robert watched the car disappear down the driveway, filling his cheeks with air and letting it out again. He walked back to the tractor and started working again, hoping Jason would get back from town soon with that part they needed.

“I brought you some lemonade.”

Robert looked up, his face smeared with grease and sweat and when he saw his wife standing there, her dark brown curls falling around her shoulders, the sunlight behind her creating a deep orange aura around her, his stomach flipped like it so often did when he saw her. She still had the same affect on him even after 31 years of marriage. He couldn’t look at her without feeling the way he had at the age of 15 when he’d met her on that merry-go-round at the fair; a teenage giddiness that sent ripples of pleasure through his chest.

Robert straightened from where he’d been bent over the tractor and wiped his forehead with the back of his hand. “Thanks, sweetie.”

He took the glass from her hand and drank it in one long gulp, the cold of it spreading from his chest throughout this limbs,

 “I needed that,” he said handing her the glass. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

She stood, smiling, holding the glass, watching him as he wiped the grease from his hands. “Have you figured out what’s wrong with it yet?”

“Yeah, I think so,” Robert said, avoiding her gaze. He knew she didn’t really want to know about the tractor. She wanted to know why Bill had been there and he knew he was going to have to tell her. He’d hoped she hadn’t seen the exchange, but he knew better. Annie didn’t miss much around this place and it wasn’t easy to keep secrets between them.

 He knew if he looked at her she’d draw it out of him, the same way she drew so much else out of him – deep feelings he wouldn’t share with anyone else: worries, hurts, joys, sadness, fear.

Desire.

Passion.

 He didn’t want her to draw this out of him, to have to admit he was failing his family; that even by working so hard every day on this farm he couldn’t pay his bills, pay his debts, and keep the farm going the same way his father would have.

“How far behind are we, Robert?”

He laughed softly. “You really do know everything that’s going on around here, don’t you?”

Annie smiled. “I’ve been married to you 33 years, Robert Patrick Tanner. I know when something is bothering you. Plus, when Bill Eberlin comes out to the house to talk to you in person, I know it can’t be good. It takes a lot to get him to move from that comfy chair of his.”

Robert studied her calm expression, listened to her evenly toned words, and felt a peace settle over his spirit that he hadn’t had a few moments before.

 “We’re about six months behind,” he said bluntly. “Walt and I’ve been paying other bills and trying to figure out a plan to make payments on the loan at the end of this summer. We didn’t want to tell our families until we got it figured it out. We shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry we kept this information from you for so long.”

Annie sighed, stepping closer to her husband, and laid her hand against his cheek. “Robert, when will you learn that we are in this together? I’m sure Lauren would tell Walt the same thing. What about Hannah? Have you kept her in the loop on this?”

Robert smiled and shook his head, laying his hand over his wife’s as she moved it to his chest. He hadn’t told his sister, the farm store manager, about the financial struggles, but he had told her husband, Bert, even though Bert, a local mechanic wasn’t even technically part of the business.

“I guess we were a little sexist, us Tanner men and Bert,” he told his wife sheepishly. “Some kind of ancient instinct must have kicked in and we wanted to protect our women, so we discussed a plan to take care of it on our own.”

Annie leaned close and brushed her lips against her husband’s. “We are in this together, Robert. That means you and me, Walt and Lauren and Bert and Hannah. We want to help. Don’t shut us out.”

This woman is still way too good for me, Robert thought as he looked in his wife’s eyes, seeing compassion and concern there, not the anger he probably should have seen.

“We won’t do it again,” he told her. “I promise. We’ll figure this out,” he kissed her gently. “Together. I didn’t mean to lie. It’s just . . . there is so much to worry about. I didn’t want to add more to your plate.”

Annie slipped her arms around his neck. “I know why you did it, Robert. It’s okay. You did it to protect me, not to hurt me. What’s done is done. Now, let’s just start figuring out how to get this business back on track.”

Footsteps behind them pulled Robert’s gaze from his wife’s and he laughed as he saw Jason standing in the doorway with a look of disgust on his face.

“Guys, seriously? Aren’t you a little old to be doing this type of stuff?”

Robert scoffed, his arms sliding easily around his wife’s waist as he pulled her against him. “Too old? Really, Jason? What are you going to do when you get this age? Never kiss Ellie again and become a monk?

Annie laughed, pulled from her husband’s grasp and looked at her son, a hand on her hip. “Speaking of Ellie, when are you going to finally ask that sweet young lady to marry you? You’re not getting any younger and neither is she and this mama wants some grandchildren.”

Jason dipped his head, bright red flushing from the base of his neck up to his forehead, and walked through the doorway, turning a right and heading toward the pig pens. “Need to go check on Bessie and see if she’s ready to give birth to those piglets yet.”

Annie laughed. “Oh, I see how it is. Avoiding the subject, Jason Bradly. Well, you go ahead, but I’m not giving up. I’ll have you married by the end of this year yet.”

“Okay, Mom,” Jason called over his shoulder as he stepped into the mother pig’s pen. “Just go back to making out with Dad. I won’t look.”

Robert and Annie looked at each other and laughed.

“So, do you want to make out, Annie?” Robert asked, pulling her close again, kissing her neck.

Jason shouted from the pig pen: “Oh, my gosh! Guys! I was kidding.  Get a room!”

Annie tipped her head back and laughed and then pressed her mouth against her husbands. When she pulled her mouth away several moments later she laid her hand against the back of his neck.

“Oh my, that skin is hot. I’ll go get the sunscreen. I left some right over here somewhere. . .”

Robert laughed, shaking his head as he watched Annie wander to the other side of the barn near the room he’d built to sleep in when one of the cows were calving or the pigs were in labor. She was nothing if not predictable.

 

Fiction Friday: The Farmer’s Daughter Chapter 5

Yesterday I gave you a sneak peek of today’s chapter of The Farmer’s Daughter, but as I was getting the post ready for today, I realized that sneak peek was actually for Saturday’s special fiction post. Whoops! Well, anyhow, it’s been one of those weeks!
To catch up on The Farmer’s Daughter’s previous chapters, find the link at the top of the page or click HERE.


The sun was bright, the breeze gentle Saturday morning when Molly packed blueberry muffins, fresh milk and cheese, and apple slices into a picnic basket, preparing for the drive up the hill to her grandparent’s home. Her grandmother lived alone there now with her cat Macy and a dozen or so chickens out back.

The four years Molly cared for her grandfather as he battled Alzheimers and heart failure had made Molly question God’s existence more than she liked to admit. It had been torture to watch her grandfather fade from sharp and full of life to a confused, weak, shell of his former self.

Almost as hard as watching her grandfather fade away was watching her grandmother’s grief gradually manifest itself into bitterness and anger over the last year. Molly wished she could walk into her grandmother’s house again and see the grandmother she’d known growing up – sweet, caring and excited about life.

Molly caught sight of Alex standing outside the barn, leaning back against the front of a tractor as she walked into the bright sunshine with the basket. One leg was crossed over the other and Molly’s breath caught when she saw him. Good grief, was it just her or he had suddenly become even more handsome over night?

A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. “Where you headed off to?”

“Taking some goodies to Grandma,” Molly said, opening the door to the old farm truck her dad had fixed up for her.

“Where’s your little red hood?”

Molly laughed as she slid behind the steering wheel. “The wolf stole it.”

Alex walked to the truck and pushed the door closed behind Molly. The window was already rolled down, and he leaned on the edge of it, a whiff of his aftershave drifting toward Molly and sending a surge of unexpected pleasure coursing through her.

“Drive safe, Molly Bell,” he drawled in a fake Southern accent.

Molly tipped her head to one side, amused, but also bewildered by his behavior. “My middle name is Anne. And it’s just up the road, so I’m sure I’ll be fine, Alex.”

“Oh, is it?” Alex pushed his hand back through his hair, leaving it disheveled but somehow still attractive. “Well, then, drive safe, Molly Anne.”

Molly wasn’t sure what to make of Alex’s recent increased attention to her, but the way he said her name made her heartbeat faster. She watched him walk away, admiring how his jeans fit perfectly and his white T-shirt did nothing to hide the muscles underneath.

Molly had once thought of Alex as another brother and she was sure he had thought of her as a sister. The two of them had been joking and teasing each other since he started working on the farm five years ago, but recently the tone of their teasing had changed; exactly how Molly couldn’t explain, other than to say it was less childish and more edgy with flirting overtones.

How she viewed Alex was starting to change too. Her heart pounded faster when she was near him, her eyes lingered longer on his retreating form or his tanned biceps when he lifted hay into the cows’ trough, and the sound of his voice sent a buzz of excitement skittering through her limbs. If his hand grazed her skin while handing her something, she immediately felt a weakness in her knees that made her flush warm with embarrassment.

She shifted the truck into gear and shook her head, trying to shake the thoughts of Alex from her mind. She had other things to think about today. Alex Stone would have to wait.

Her grandmother’s house was a mile from her parents, nestled in between a grove of trees at the edge of the family’s farm, where her great-grandfather had built it almost 102 years ago, farming the land around it, That first farm, 150 acres large, had expanded over the years until it became the 400-acres the Tanners now farmed on. Molly drove past the sign designating the farm as a Century Farm in the state of Pennsylvania and turned into the dirt driveway, pulling the car up in front of the garage.

Behind the house was the barn where the Tanners now stored much of their equipment and some of their feed, a chicken coup, which Franny Tanner still visited each morning to collect eggs for her breakfast, a large oak tree with a swing hanging from one of its large branches, and further beyond the yard was the corn fields her father and uncle now harvested each year.

Molly’s grandmother, sitting on the front porch, rocked slowly in one of the rocking chairs her grandfather had built when he’d finally handed over the reins of the farm to his sons, not fully retiring, but finally relenting to working less and rocking more.

Franny looked up to watch Molly pull into the driveway, her heart softening at her second born grandchild. Her grandchildren were the highlights of her day, even on the days she resented their overuse of digital devices. Molly was different than her younger cousins, though. She wasn’t interested in cellphones or notepads or whatever they were called. She worked hard, cared for her family and took on the bulk of the responsibility at the family’s farm store. Franny was proud of her and she wished she could say it without feeling like she might completely fall apart emotionally.

Molly carried a basket with her and bent to kiss Franny on the cheek. “Hey, gran. I brought you some muffins I baked the other day.”

“Thank you, hon’. That’ll be a nice treat. Why don’t you make us a plate and we can sit out here and chat a bit? There’s some lemonade in the fridge.”

Molly set the basket down in the kitchen, poured the lemonade into two glasses she pulled out, and placed two muffins on plates.

Back outside, carrying the tray, she noticed her grandmother’s furrowed eyebrows and thin-lipped mouth, a clear sign something was bothering her.

“You okay, gran?” Molly asked, placing the tray down on the small table between the two rocking chairs.

Her grandmother’s familiar smile quickly returned but Molly could tell it was forced.

“Of course, honey.”

Her answer was curt, and Molly knew she’d been thinking about something that made her sad.

“So, how is it going on the farm?” Franny asked.

“Good. Dad and Alex are working on the tractor. It broke down, but they think they can fix it. We’re baking the rest of the cakes for the rummage sale. Hopefully, they will be fresh enough for Mavis –“

Franny snorted.

“That Mavis. Always worried about things being fresh. I guess that’s why she’s been married three times.”

Molly tried not to laugh.

“Grandma, that’s not nice.”

“But it’s true.”

Franny looked Molly up and down as Molly stood and leaned against the porch railing. Molly’s curves were still there, but she had definitely been gaining weight over the years. Franny had been in such a fog after Ned died, she was only now starting to notice changes in those around her.

“What happened to you anyhow?” Franny said disapprovingly before she even thought about her words. “You used to be so skinny.”

Molly looked at the ground quickly. Franny saw the pain in her granddaughter’s face and felt immediate guilt. Why did she keep blurting awful things at people? It was as if her brain and mouth had become disconnected and she didn’t know how to reconnect it. She remembered thinking as a teenager and young adult that old people could be so rude. Her mother had told her it wasn’t that they were rude, they just weren’t afraid to say what they thought anymore.

Was that it? Did she really think her precious granddaughter who had done so much to help her and Ned when he was sick needed to be reminded that she’d gained weight? Did she really not care that she had just hurt her granddaughter’s feelings? She knew that wasn’t true. A sharp twinge of remorse twisted deep inside her.

“Well, life happens, Grandma,” Molly said with a shrug. “Some people just gain weight.”

Franny looked at a butterfly on the bush in front of the house, shame overwhelming her. She swallowed hard.

“I’m sorry,” she said quickly. “I didn’t mean that to come out like that – I just wasn’t thinking about . . . about how it sounded.”

Franny realized she sounded like that upstart pastor who had visited her the other day now. He had stuttered and fallen over his words like a drunk man walking home from the bar and now she was doing the same thing.

Molly sighed. “It’s okay, Gram. You’re right. I have gained weight. I need to work on it and lose it again. I’ve joined the new gym in town. Liz asked me to join with her. I thought I’d see if I can get back into shape.”

Franny knew it wasn’t okay. Her granddaughter was too nice to say so. She wished she hadn’t said anything.

“Well, that will be nice,” she said, even though she didn’t think Molly really need to join a gym.

She was just going through a phase. The weight would come off eventually. Franny was sure of it.

Molly walked toward the front door, smiling again, but Franny knew she was still hurt, and the smile was an attempt to cover it.

“Hey, how about I get the paper and we read the funny pages?” Molly asked.

Franny reached out and touched Molly’s hand, trying to say again how sorry she was for the hurtful question. She smiled. “I’d enjoy that, yes. Make sure to read me Beetle Bailey. He’s my favorite.”

Franny felt like crying when Molly went into the house for the newspaper, but she couldn’t let herself cry. If she did, she might never stop. She simply had to be better about letting her thoughts fly free and she had to learn how to be nice again.

***

Molly carried the tray from the front porch to the kitchen, her eyes wandering to the stairwell, her mind wandering to memories of when she’d come here every day to help care for her grandfather when the dementia had become worse.

“Hannah? Is that you?” he had asked two years ago as she straightened his blankets and pulled them around him in his chair in his room.

“No, Grandpa. It’s Molly.”

Her grandfather was silent as he slid his fingers across the edge of the blanket, his eyebrows furrowing.

“Do I know a Molly?” he asked looking up at her, his blue eyes clouded in confusion.

“Yes, you do,” Molly said, telling him for the third time that day. “I’m your granddaughter. Your son Robert’s daughter.”

“Oh, I see.” Her grandfather still looked confused but forced a smile.

“I bought you some lunch, Grandpa,” she said, turning to the tray she had carried in.

“I don’t want lunch.”

“It’s your favorite. Baked beans and ham.”

“I don’t like baked beans.”

“You actually do.”

“I don’t like it and I don’t want it!” he shouted.

Molly sighed and sat on the chair across from him. She glanced at the CD player on the dresser next to the bed.

“How about some music?” she asked, remembering how music had calmed him in the past.

Pushing play, she began to sing when the words began after a short musical interlude.

“When peace like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll

Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say

It is well, it is well, with my soul”

She watched her grandfather’s face, as she sang. At first, he stared at her as he often did. His eyes looking at her, yet through her. Then slowly he began to repeat the words, his expression fading from confusion to peace.

“It is well

With my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul”

Molly sang with him.

“Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,

Let this blest assurance control,

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

And hath shed His own blood for my soul

It is well

With my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul”

“I like that song,” he said with a smile as the song ended. “I used to sing that song with my granddaughter.”

“You still sing that song with her, Grandpa.”

He looked at her, a slight smile tugging at his mouth.

“Oh, Molly,” he said softly, tears in his eyes as he patted her hand. “Is that you?”

Molly clasped her hand over his, watching tears spill down his cheeks. “It is, Grandpa.”

“I love you, Molly girl,” he whispered, leaning up to kiss her cheek.

Molly fought back the tears and returned the kiss.

“I love you too, Grandpa.”

Fiction Thursday: Rewrites and doubts about writing ability

So, here is the truth: I have been rewriting and editing A New Beginning this week and I’m discouraged. I don’t like parts of it and may need to gut the thing before I sent the thing to Kindle sometime in May. That’s the honest truth. I read it and think that there are so many sections that really need to be reworked so I’m working on that right now. I’m also having a lot of doubts about my writing but I’m sure that’s normal for any writer.

Which brings me to why there is not a new chapter for Fully Alive today. I do have ideas for Fully Alive. Plenty of ideas. But I’m intimidated by the story. A comment on my chapter last week highlighted this anxiety about writing this story, though unintentionally. The person who commented mentioned how difficult it is to make people from 2,000 years ago real to my readers. How true that is. Fully Alive is a story that has been in my mind for more than a year now and I’ve tossed it back and forth in this old noggin of mine so much that I’m back to my old habit of overthinking. The person who commented said they were sure I could bring the characters to life, but I keep thinking: What if I’m not the one to write this story?

I’ve written large chunks of this story, but I know I need to do more research before I can fully flush it out. That need for research is one reason I’m stuck on Chapter 4. If I show you the first paragraph of this chapter, you may understand better why I need to do some research.

The stench of death filled Atticus’ nostrils. Any other man would have gagged on vomit, but death was a smell Atticus was accustomed to. Before being stationed in Jerusalem he had been on the battlefields of Germania and before that he’d trained in Rome itself to become what his father had been — a Roman centurion.

I am so excited to explore the character of Atticus, I can not even tell you. But I don’t know enough about him yet. I need to know more about the army he is apart of before I can understand him. And I need to know more about his culture, how he grew up, before I can really tell his story. So, I’m a bit stuck. I need time to research, but I also need time to finish rewriting parts of A New Beginning, unpacking our house, writing The Farmer’s Daughter, and did I mention unpacking our house?

I have a lot of self-doubt when it comes to my writing. People I thought cared about me have declined reading it in the past and I know it is really stupid to hold on to that rejection (which the person probably doesn’t even know they did) but it’s still there in the back of my mind, amongst a pile of various other rejection skeletons. I still don’t feel like I’ve found my groove for fiction writing, but I’m not giving up. Not yet. I really enjoy it, even if it isn’t perfect. I like telling stories, even if they aren’t award winning.

I plan to keep sharing fiction on the blog, but I thought today I’d share with you that sometimes writing it is a challenge for me. While it’s a challenge, it’s also a ton of fun and I am determined not to take the fun out of it, which is why I decided there isn’t anything or anyone who says I have to share a piece of fiction on my blog if I feel it isn’t ready. If there isn’t anyone pressuring me to share before I’m ready, then why am I pressuring myself? Who even knows.

All that being said, I do have additional chapters from The Farmer’s Daughter to share tomorrow and Saturday. I’ve been working on Fully Alive and The Farmer’s Daughter about the same amount of time but Molly’s story is coming faster for me because her story takes places in a more modern time and in a setting I’m more familiar with.

Here is a sneak peek of that chapter:

I brought you some lemonade.”

Robert looked up, his face smeared with grease and sweat and when he saw his wife standing there, her dark brown curls falling around her shoulders, the sunlight behind her creating a deep orange aura around her, his stomach flipped like it so often did when he saw her. She still had the same affect on him even after 31 years of marriage. He couldn’t look at her without feeling the way he had at the age of 15 when he’d met her on that merry-go-round at the fair; a teenage giddiness that sent ripples of pleasure through his chest.

Robert straightened from where he’d been bent over the tractor and wiped his forehead with the back of his hand. “Thanks, sweetie.”

He took the glass from her hand and drank it in one long gulp, the cold of it spreading from his chest throughout this limbs, bringing him a cool feeling he’d desperately needed.

 “I needed that,” he said handing her the glass. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” She stood, smiling, holding the glass, watching him as he wiped the grease from his hands. “Have you figured out what’s wrong with it yet?”

“Yeah, I think so,” Robert said, avoiding her gaze. He knew she didn’t really want to know about the tractor. She wanted to know why Bill had been there and he knew he was going to have to tell her. He’d hoped she hadn’t seen the exchange, but he knew better. Annie didn’t miss much around this place and it wasn’t easy to keep secrets between them.

 He knew if he looked at her she’d draw it out of him, the same way she drew so much else out of him – deep feelings he wouldn’t share with anyone else: worries, hurts, joys, sadness, fear. Desire. Passion.

 He didn’t want her to draw this out of him, to have to admit he was failing his family; that even by working so hard every day on this farm he couldn’t pay his bills, pay his debts, and keep the farm going the same way his father would have.

“How far behind are we, Robert?”

I’ll see you tomorrow for the rest of Chapter 5 of The Farmer’s Daughter!


Want to read what I’ve shared so far on Fully Alive? Click the link at the top of the page or HERE. You can find additional chapters from The Farmer’s Daughter HERE or at the link at the top of the page.

The importance of touch

Don’t touch.

Don’t hug.

Don’t kiss.

Don’t get close to any other humans.

These are all along the lines of what government and health organizations have told us in the last two months. They may not have said these words exactly but the words they have used are close to this.

Yes, we all must be careful in the middle of the spread of a virus we don’t know much about but dangerous messages are being sent to our children right now and one of the most dangerous is that we can no longer physically touch each other. In circumstances where we don’t know enough about a virus it is important to be careful who we touch or be close to, of course, but when children are told “Don’t hug Grandpa and Grandma!” that has to do something to the children psychologically and that something can’t be good.

According to Healthline, “Failing to experience frequent positive touch as a child may affect the development of the vagus nerve and oxytocin system damaging intimacy and social skills.”

Don’t misunderstand my meaning here. I’m not talking about inappropriate touching in a sexual manner. I’m talking about the simple touch of a hand to a shoulder, holding hands, a hand on top of a head, an arm around another person. There is no denying we, as humans, created by a loving God, were wired to be touched.

I’m sure most reading this would agree that is true and if you want further proof, simply go to Google and type in “the human need for touch.” Thousands of articles will pop up and let you know how true it is that humans need to be touched.

One of those articles was on Healthline (I’m not sponsored by them, it was simply the one that caught my attention) and it concerns the term “touch starvation.”

According to Healthline, “Scientists have found that a nerve ending, called C-tactile afferents, exists to recognize any form of gentle touch.” In other words, it isn’t only “sensual touch” that benefits us and if we don’t get that touch we do start to suffer from touch starvation.

Touch starvation symptoms include so much of what so many of us experience and are already experiencing on any given day, let alone during a pandemic:

  • depression;
  • anxiety
  • stress
  • difficulty sleeping
  • low relationship satisfaction
  • a tendency to avoid secure attachments

According to Healthline, “You may also subconsciously do things to simulate touch, such as taking long, hot baths or showers, wrapping up in blankets, and even holding on to a pet.”

There is even a suggested speed for the touching (between 3 and 5 centimeters per second to be exact) to help facilitate the release of oxytocin within the body, which is a pleasure producing hormone secreted from the pituitary gland.

According to Live Science (livescience.com), “oxytocin is a hormone secreted by the posterior lobe of the pituitary gland, a pea-sized structure at the base of the brain. It’s sometimes known as the “cuddle hormone” or the “love hormone,” because it is released when people snuggle up or bond socially. Even playing with your dog can cause an oxytocin surge, according to a 2009 study published in the journal Hormones and Behavior.”

(Read more about oxytocin HERE.)

This hormone is very complex, since it can also increase the retention of bad memories or unpleasant feelings, but the bottom line is one of it’s main functions is creating positive feelings of attachment in people. In women, the hormone is released during childbirth and especially during nursing.

So without human touch, our body is deprived of oxytocin. Not a great thing for us overall. Without human touch and without good levels of oxytocin we can produce too much cortisol. Many of you have probably heard a lot about cortisol in recent years. It is a stress hormone created by your adrenal glands. It is supposed to rise in the morning to help wake you up and fall at night to help you rest, but in our constantly-on-the-move society, cortisol is often too high or high and low a the wrong times.

Stress puts a strain on our adrenals and when that happens the adrenals kick out the cortisol at the wrong times. (read more about cortisol and how to lower it naturally and safely HERE).

When another person touches you (again, does not need to be sexual) it can help produce a calming effect in us (unless the person does what my dad jokingly used do to my mom and pat her quickly on the back while asking “Why are you so stressed?!!” Ha!). The article on Healthline says that touch helps us relax by “stimulating pressure receptors that transport signals to the vagus nerve.” The vagus nerve connects the brain to the rest of the body and “uses the signals to slow the pace of the nervous system.”

Other benefits of touch:

  • helps to reduce the feelings of social exclusion and loneliness;
  • helps build healthy relationships

So, what do we do about this right now in a time when we are being told touching someone can give them a virus that could be deadly to them (though more than 80 percent of cases of the virus are thankfully not fatal)? While articles suggest that under normal circumstances a person get a massage or start dancing or even get a manicure to help facilitate touch in a healthy way, that can be a challenge when we are under stay-at-home orders and many businesses like this are closed. And no one is suggesting you fill your “touch meter” by running around randomly touching people. That sounds like something that might happen right before the police say “You have the right to remain silent.”

But even in a pandemic we can find ways to fill our Touch Quota. Maybe you don’t feel comfortable with your children kissing their grandparents right now or even spending a lot of time with them in person, but what about letting them see them with a facemask on, gloves or even an apron and letting them hug each other. I can image the rush of endorphins that will result for both the child and the grandparents. And if you are in the home with your immediate family, don’t withhold physical affection. You’re already exposing each other, unknowingly, to germs, simply by being in the same house.

One of the saddest things I read during all of this was from women in a perimenopause group I was in (and later left) who said they refused to hug their husbands who worked outside the home. I know, we are all frightened to get this potentially deadly virus. We don’t want to pass it on to anyone else, especially because studies are showing people could be asymptomatic and pass it on without even knowing they were sick (newsflash: this can happen with many viruses, not just this one), but at what cost? Are we willing to possibly emotionally damage our children by not finding some way they can connect with their loved ones while not spending every moment with them or kissing them or otherwise exchanging germs.

Listen, if you are reading this and you have a loved one who is in healthcare, dealing directly with patients who are ill, and they are not seeing their children, or you or someone they love, please don’t misunderstand. I’m not saying you are doing something wrong. Not at all. Each person has to approach this situation in their own way and in the best way that suits their family. There is no one-size fits all. My concern is simply that by saying around our children that we can’t touch this or that person, we are causing a misunderstanding that appropriate touch is not welcome or needed.

My thought is that if there are family members who have already exposed each other to whatever they have exposed each other to, then by all means – hug them, kiss them even. I know in my household, I considered not hugging or kissing my husband because he was the one going to the stores and traveling to work (although he’s locked in his office most of the time once there), but in reality, I couldn’t do that. My husband thrives on touch and feels loved when he is touched, even if it is just a hug or a quick kiss. And maybe I didn’t think I needed touch in my life as much as he does because of our different upbringings (my family hugged a lot, his did not and still doesn’t), but I do.

If you don’t feel comfortable filling your touch tank by touching another person (or simply can’t right now for health concerns) another way to get that “touch benefit” in your life – a way all of us probably would welcome and can do without worrying we will give someone a virus – is petting an animal. So go ahead, hug your dog or cat (I know, most cats don’t want to be hugged so do that at your own discretion as well), pet your lizard, kiss your bird. Find some way to get those rush of endorphins, lower that cortisol and produce a healthy amount of oxytocin even during a pandemic. Your mind and soul, and even your body, will thank you one day.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about the human need for touch and how you have been finding ways to fill that need during this time. (Please keep comments at least pg-13 rated *wink*).

The Garden

I thought I would share an old post tonight – this was at the house we just moved away from. I can’t believe it’s been three years since then. Looking forward to planting a garden at the new house this year.

Lisa R. Howeler's avatarBoondock Ramblings

Rain fell steady just like the weather app said it would and I felt a twinge of disappointment. I knew it would mean a couple more days of waiting to plant the garden my son and I have wanted for a couple of years now.

I had always dismissed the idea of a garden because we live in town on a busy, noisy street and somehow, for this country girl, gardens are meant for quiet, out of the way yards where they can be admired on a warm summer evening in golden hour light.

I had wanted to wait until we actually moved to the country to create a garden but since that doesn’t seem to be remotely close to reality at the moment, we started planning what we wanted to plant and where, early in the spring.

Pumpkins, squash and various herbs for him.

Cucumbers, carrots, green beans, peas…

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Sunday Bookends: Peggy Rowe, The Chosen, rocking out the stress and country living

It has definitely been a crazy week with moving in, trying to get settled in to our new house and having the sudden realization we now live in the country. Sure, we have other houses around us and technically live ‘in town’ but our backyard (beyond the neighbor’s garden that is) is a forest. Not only that but the other day our neighbor suggested we move our trash cans inside the garage until pick up day because one time the previous owner didn’t and a bear got into it.

Yes, a bear.

Into the garbage.

That may be the moment I actually realized we live in the country. That and when he told me about the six or seven deer who visit their yard from time to time. I have this bad feeling we might put a crimp in that with the arrival of our dog. I’ve noticed neither of the neighbors on either side have pets, or at least dogs. How sad for them. (*wink*)

I’m still waiting for the weather to warm up so we can start getting our garden ready. We had more cold and rainy days this week but hopefully we will finally have spring in the next couple of weeks. The previous owners were nice enough to leave garden supplies in the small shed out back, including fencing to keep the deer out.

They also left several rakes, hoes and shovels. We’re not a drinking family but they left us wine glasses and a bottle of wine as well, which was nice. I might need that when I start trying to plant a garden since I’ve only done it once before and it didn’t go so well. I have a tendency to kill plants, which I think I’ve mentioned before.

My daughter and I cleaned out some old leaves from the flower beds Saturday using rakes we found in the garage, including a small one for my daughter. Even though I kill plants I’m going to try to plant some around the house when the local greenhouse opens up in the beginning of May. I also discovered several perennials that I am hoping will come up soon. After that we tried a bike ride on the street in front of our house, hoping the cars that zoom by when they use it for a short cut didn’t run us down at any point. We took the dog with us and she found a cat to bark at and watch closesly.

I’ve been able to get back into some reading this week. I am really enjoying Peggy Rowe’s new book, as I’ve mentioned the last couple of weeks. It’s made up of short stories about her life with her husband and son’s so it’s easy to read one or two stories a night before bed. This week her son, Mike Rowe (from Dirty Jobs, The Way I Heard it podcast, MikeRoweWORKS Foundation, and Return the Favor on Facebook.), shared a video telling her that for the second time in a couple of years she has a book on the New York Times Bestseller list. For those who are Christians on my page, don’t let the screenshot below dissuade you from watching this clip or reading the book. It’s less offensive than it looks!


I’m also finishing up True to You by Becky Wade this week (as I’ve been saying I would do for awhile now).

As for what I’ve been watching I’ve started The Chosen, an online dramatic series based on the life of Christ. It weaves a lot of Biblical fiction within the story of Jesus, so don’t look for this to be a word for word interpretation of the Bible, but it still keeps very inline with the message of the Bible and of Christ. The acting is excellent and the imagery is compelling. I’ve only watched the first episode and part of the second and I’ve already cried twice (in a good way.) I ordered a DVD set of the show to help support the production costs for Season 2. You can learn more about this project and how to watch it on their site.

I thought I would share a little about what I am listening to this week, as well. I started my Friday morning with a playlist of Skillet on Youtube and I highly recommend it since it woke me up and got my day started off right. (I know. I don’t seem the Skillet type, but I am, just without the leather jackets and dyed hair and nose ring.)

My day would have been better if I had done what I had originally planned to do and turn the phone off and never looked at social media, but live and learn.

I’ve also been listening to this new song by Elevation Worship since I loved watching them perform it live on Easter morning. That service was such a breath of fresh air and a move of the Holy Spirit I couldn’t stop watching it and am thrilled I can listen to the song on my phone or anywhere else now.

So how about all of you? What have you been reading, watching, listening to or up to this week? I’d love to read about it in the comments. Let me know!