When you are in the darkness keep your mouth shut.

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Here is some advice I could have used before I rambled too much on my blog about this period of loneliness I’ve been in.

At times God puts us through the discipline of darkness to teach us to heed Him. Song birds are taught to sing in the dark, and we are put into the shadow of God’s hand until we learn to hear Him…Watch where God puts you into darkness, and when you are there keep your mouth shut. Are you in the dark just now in your circumstances, or in your life with God? Then remain quiet…When you are in the dark, listen, and God will give you a very precious message for someone else when you get into the light. — Oswald Chambers

My favorite line of this quote, which I first saw in the Jan Karon book I’m currently reading, is “Watch where God puts you into darkness and when you are there keep your mouth shut.”

Keep your mouth shut.

Ouch.

That one hurt because I know I haven’t done it.

I certainly plan to read this quote over a few hundred times and chew on it for a bit. It was very timely for me and interesting because I almost didn’t read from that book due to being too tired.

If you feel so moved, tell me what you think of this quote. Does it fit where you are now or where you once were? Let me know in the comments.

 

Why I can’t seem to get myself back on Instagram

I was off Instagram for almost a month and I don’t feel really interested in going back to it. I did log back on this week and as usual my visual brain was completely overloaded and I started stressing over politics (because while people used to just post photos, now they think they have to be social justice warriors at all times), stressing over the sad stories of people dying, and feeling completely inadequate as a mother because I don’t take my children on fancy European vacations. I did contemplate faking a European vacation and posting about that but since I’m pretty sick and tired of the “fakeness” of social media, I decided against that.

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To me, Instagram has become a place for voyeurism and a chance to brag about trips or wealth in an attempt to be validated by a bunch of strangers.

I used it to share my photography simply because I enjoyed connecting with other photographers but there was a time I got caught up in the validation cycle too. I would look at the numbers of likes and comment on posts, hoping others would comment or follow back. This was very short-lived, however, because the idea of networking with a bunch of strangers for attention made me sick to my stomach. And the idea that having a bunch of likes and followers would translate to paying photography customers was looking more and more ridiculous, probably because the photography business was an obvious failure for me.

Now that I could care less about being validated by a bunch of strangers, I hesitate every time I start to post a photo. I mean – who cares if my kid jumped off a ladder at the pool or played with the dog in the yard? Then again, I guess photos like that can be a distraction from the more self-serving ones and from all the political ridiculousness we see on social media anymore. Posting artistic photos over bragging ones is more my goal since I don’t have fancy trips to photograph or a fancy yacht to relax on.

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I think those of us who don’t get the chance to go on all those fancy trips should remember that the people behind the photos may not have the perfect, awe-inspiring lives we think they do. Their feed may look pristine and exotic but behind the scenes they may be dealing with trials we can’t see. The photos from Honolulu might be beautiful but they may be hiding a broken marriage, abuse or addiction.

And the woman who is on her tenth trip in the year to somewhere exotic may post all those photos because every day she’s pushing down the gnawing fear that she’s going to end up alone. Those trips may be a way to cover up a fracture in her family. Perhaps the woman laying on the beach in a bikini on her social media faced a situation in her life that turned her world upside down so now she’s decided life’s too short not to experience everything she can in her remaining years. Maybe she’s just spent her entire savings on that trip simply to forget about the sadness at home.

In other words, while we (I) shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, we (I) also shouldn’t judge the person behind the Instagram feed by the photos they share.

But back to my Instagram (Me! Me! Me! . . . Just kidding.) I’m not sure what I want to do with it anymore. Like I said, I like posting fun photos of the kids or artistic images I take, but really, I could care less if strangers online know about my personal life so I don’t know if I will be posting much more on Instagram. If I do, I don’t think I’ll be using hashtags to draw more attention to them. I’ll share them for any friends or family who follow me or for any online friends I’ve made.

How about you? Are you an Instagram user or follower? What’s your motivation for using it? For fun? Business? Simple connection? Or validation? None of those reasons are actually bad – they’re just real. Let me know in the comments.

(And yes, I’m sharing photos in this post. For validation? Actually, no. I added photos to this post because my posts have been really bland lately and need some sprucing up.)

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Looking back at July and links from the rest of the blogging world

I can’t say July was terribly exciting, thanks to sweltering humidity that engulfed us and wouldn’t let go, chasing us inside most of the time, but it was a month where my family spent time together at my parents in the country and learned how to cool down an entire upstairs with one, tiny window air conditioning unit and how to cool down a preschooler with one tiny pool.

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As for blogging:

 

I also read a lot of great blog posts in July and in the beginning of August. Some of those posts are listed below.

I don’t know how I stumbled on to this old blog post by Holly Nicole Photography but I’m glad I did because it reminded me of who I was becoming and almost became not so long ago. Trying so hard to be liked and to be honored as a photographer while completely losing sight of why I started learning more about photography in the first place. I wanted to capture moments to remember my family and life, and to capture moments for others, not to impress other people and, really, not even to get clients. The drive to be liked and to be hired for my work literally made me sick and I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s why my physical health has suffered so much for the last ten years – well, that and a couple personal situations that were out of my control.

There are so many great blog posts written this week and last and two of them in a row on my WordPress Reader’s list were about the American flag and how it’s becoming a trend to disrespect the flag as a way to comment on what people don’t like about our country.

This one from Mama’s Empty Nest brought tears to my eyes because of how far down the path of negativity we have all come in this country.

Then Our Little Red House wrote about her impressions of how people seem to assign the idea of hate as the real symbol behind our flag, which couldn’t be further from the truth.

Moving away from commentary on the state of our country, Brittany from Ordinarily Extraordinary Mom wrote a raw post about being angry with God. Very insightful and close to home for me.

Another one that was close to home for me was from Brenda at Becoming His Tapestry as she talked about needing to trust God with the safety of her daughters as they return to college in a week.

How about you? How was your July and what’s up for August? Let me know in the comments.

Did you have some favorite posts from July? Share them with me in the comments!

 

 

 

 

Sappy romances and dramatic stories are what I’ve been reading and watching lately

Sometimes I don’t like to write about what I am reading or have read because I figure other people are reading deeper, more meaningful books, but then I decided that while some people are reading deeper, more meaningful books, the majority of us are all probably just reading garbage literature.

If you don’t know me yet then you don’t know I joke a lot and that the previous sentence is a joke, for the most part. Though, seriously, most of what we read is crap, right? Don’t lie. You know it is. And the rest of what we read is actually very, very good. What matters is that we like what we read even if someone else thinks it is crap. That’s what I tell myself anyhow.

So in the last couple of months, I’ve been a bit slow on reading, but I have managed to finish a couple of books and by a couple, I mean exactly two.

516Z4BFJYjLFirst to be finished was a book by the woman called the queen of Christian fiction, Karen Kingsbury, who is a new author for me. I wish I had had some warning on what a gut-wrencher Where Yesterday Lives was going to be. It was the first book in a collection of three books that Amazon offered as a deal a couple of months ago. I have a children’s book by Kingsbury and had seen a presentation by her on Youtube so I thought, “why not? Let’s give it a try.”

Good grief – talk about drama, drama, and more drama through the whole book. It was a poignant and emotional story and very well written, don’t get me wrong, but my diaphragm got a good work out throughout it. I wept through half the book and flat out ugly cried at least three times. It doesn’t give away too much to say the story is about a broken family who must come together for the funeral of their patriarch resulting in a great deal of dysfunctional drama unfolds.

I would definitely recommend it, but prepare yourself with a box of tissues. From what I understand, most of Kingsbury’s books are heartwrenching and dramatic. I sampled another one and was immediately pulled into it and hope it comes on sale before I buy it (yes, I’m cheap like that). Kingsbury’s books are definitely Christian, but not simple or cheesy or even super preachy. I would have to say, actually, they are a bit twisted and depressing at times.

I did manage to finish another book in between the Kingsbury book and working on my own: The fifth book in The Cat Who series by Lillian Jackson Braun. I didn’t enjoy it as much as the previous books but I’m still carrying along with my plan to read through the series in order. I think she wrote some 37 books in this series so we will see how far I get, but for now, I enjoy the light mysteries before bed.

51dCT+7VgOL._SY346_Another series I enjoy before bed is the James Herriot books. They are usually light and don’t cause me to lay awake thinking too much after I turn off the Kindle. I’m currently reading the second of Herriot’s books (at least in the American version of the series), All Things Bright and Beautiful, and I like how each chapter is essentially broke into individual short stories, though the stories still tie together the whole book. I read a chapter or two at a time and it’s like having bit size treats and when I finish the entire book I feel a tinge of sadness. Luckily he wrote a series of them. Most people probably know that Herriot’s books are primarily about his adventures as a rural vet in England before, during and after World War II. Herriot’s real name, as I have mentioned here before was Alfred Wight.

Other books I’ve started since the beginning of June include:

In This Mountain, Book Six in the Mitford Series by Jan Karon.

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Hayom Haba: The Next Day by James Sutton (independently published, it tells the story of the disciples the day after Jesus is crucified.)41r7Opff8uL

A Lineage of Grace by Francine Rivers

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And one book I started that I can’t seem to finish: “A Cottage By the Sea”  by Debbie Macomber

I tried to like Debbie Macomber I really did, but no matter what I could not seem to get into her books. It could just be the current mood I’m in. I’ll probably try her again someday because I absolutely love her as a person. My mom said the book I put in our Kindle account for us was “okay”, so at least she got some enjoyment out of it.

As for what I’ve been up to, other than reading, I’ve been writing a couple of stories. You can follow the one-story HERE and I haven’t finished the other one yet, but I have published a sample on my blog this week.

On the blog for the past few weeks I’ve been rambling about writing and how I, and I’m sure others, are sick of trying to make everyone happyhow I, and I’m sure others, are sick of trying to make everyone happy and how the anxiety I deal with isn’t only mental,but also caused by physical reasons.

As for what I’ve been watching, I seem to be on a Miss Marple binge. It’s the original BBC Miss Marple with Joan Haskins, who I love as Miss Marple, though I haven’t read any of the books about her or seen other Miss Marple.  Her attitude and the subtle way she tells people they are full of “tosh”, so to speak, is hilarious. I also love how her eyes light up when she walks in on a crime or she thinks she can wiggle her way into an investigation. During the first episode of the second season, she walks in on a man who’s head has been beat in and literally claps her hand together like “Oh, yeah, I’m getting in on this one, baby.” Of course, she is a bit like Jessica Fletcher – you know – the angel of death. Everywhere the woman goes at least one person, and usually at least three, die. If I were her relatives, I would stop inviting her over.

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All of the episodes are at least two episodes, some of them are three. British mysteries are so much different than American ones. They really take their time to develop characters and pull you into the story. I would think a lot of Americans would be too impatient to wait for the story and mystery to develop and would instead turn it off for something more fast-paced, like one of the 5,000 spin-offs of CSI. The only downside to watching so much British television is that I’m beginning to talk to my children and even write in a British accent. For example, in the above sentence I almost wrote “I would imagine a lot of Americans. . .” and when I typed it I said it in Miss Marple’s voice. Yes, actually, I do think I need a wee bit of a British mystery break.

So what have you been reading or watching lately? Let me know in the comments or link your post about what you’ve been reading, or yours for this week’s Sunday Salon in the comments for me. If you want to read what more people are reading and have been up to, check out Readerbuzz’s Sunday Salon.

A little extra fiction – The Farmer’s Daughter

I thought I’d share some extra fiction today,  beyond the story I’ve been working on with “A Story to Tell,” even though it isn’t Fiction Friday. This is the beginning of another novel in process, The Farmer’s Daughter. This is the story of Molly Tanner, who thought that by now she’d be living away from her family with a career of her own, but instead is still living on her parent’s dairy farm in rural Pennsylvania. Now 26 she begins to wonder what the future will hold for a girl whose whole life has been working on her family farm and selling produce at her family’s farm store.


“Okay, cow.”

Molly Tanner spoke through gritted teeth. “You want a fight? You’ve got one.”

She grabbed the harness of the usually docile Jersey, jerking hard to pull the cow forward. The cow stretched her neck, looking bored while she chewed her cud, ignoring Molly’s efforts to lead her the 100 yards from the pasture to the barn, her feet firmly planted in the mud.

Molly pulled harder and gasped as the rope slipped out of her hands and she fell backward into the mud and manure.

Up at the barn Molly’s brother, Jason, and the hired hand, Alex Stone, were watching her. Her brother was holding a bucket of feed for the pigs and Alex was leaning against the doorframe of the barn door, chewing on a piece of sweet grass.

“What do you think she’s doing down there?” Alex asked, arms folded across his chest.

“Looks like she’s arguing with Lilly-belle again,” Jason said.

“Should we help her?” Alex asked.

“Probably,” Jason said.

Neither man moved to help. Instead, Jason poured the grain mixture into the feeding bin in the pig’s pen and Alex tossed the chewed grass at the ground and hooked his thumbs in his belt loops, still watching Molly.

Sitting there on her butt in cow poop, rain falling on her, Molly thought how this moment represented where her life had ended up since she’d graduated high school eight years ago.

She was still living on her parents’ farm in rural Pennsylvania, still sleeping in her old room, her mom still cooking her meals and washing her clothes. Molly thought by now she’d be out on her own, with her own career, her own life. As it was, she didn’t even know what career she’d have outside of farming. Working on a farm was all she’d ever known and all she’d ever wanted – at least until recently when she’d started to wonder what else the world might offer a 26-year old with no degree and little knowledge of the world other than how to milk a cow and sell produce at her parent’s small farm store.

“Listen here, girl, it’s time to get in that barn,” Molly said, pushing herself off the ground, lecturing Lily-belle. “I’m tired. It’s been a long day of milking and cleaning out all that poop you and your friends make. And I’m not done yet. I still have to help Mom bake cakes for the church rummage sale next week. You know how much I hate that bake sale, so come on, give me a break, okay?”

Molly looked into the deep brown eyes of the cow and realized how pathetic she must look standing shin-deep in mud, covered in cow manure, talking to a cow as if the cow could understand her. Her life really was swirling down the proverbial toilet.

“Good grief, she’s a mess,” Jason said from the barn, shaking his head. “You’d better go rescue her.”

“Hey!” Alex shouted. “What’s going on down there? We’re ready to start the milking!”

Alex’s voice booming across the cow pasture brought a curse word to Molly’s lips, which she immediately felt guilty about.

“If you’re so impatient then you get this stubborn cow moving!” she shouted, tugging hard at the harness again.

Molly heard the sound of boots thumping heavy in the mud behind her and watched in disbelief as Alex reached over her shoulder, took the harness from her hands and Lily-belle moved forward with him.

“Are you kidding me?!” Molly shouted. “I’ve been trying to get her to move for 20 minutes!  What did you do differently?”

Alex looked over his shoulder and smirked as the cow followed him

“I guess the ladies just like me.”

“You wish,” Molly grumbled loud enough for him to hear.

“Molly, why don’t you just head in and get cleaned off,” Robert Tanner said to his daughter as she stumbled through the barn doorway. “You can start helping your mom with those cakes. Alex, Jason and I can finish up the milking.”

“I’ll take you up on that offer,” Molly said. “Maybe I can even manage a shower before bed for once.”

“That would definitely be a good thing,” Jason said with a look of disgust. “You smell like the pigs.”

Molly shot a glare at her brother and turned to walk back toward the house.

“And you smell like the gas that comes out of their behinds!” she shouted over her shoulder.

“Always have to have the last word, don’t you?” Jason shouted back.
“Yes!”

“Whatever!”

“Whatever back at you!”

“Okay, that’s enough,” Robert said. “I’ll have the last word.”

Molly watched the sun slipping behind the hills that hugged the Tanner’s 250-acre farm as she walked. The sunset, a mix of orange with a streak of pink, made the fields of the farm look almost mystical. She knew she’d never get sick of this view, of these sunsets at the end of a long day. She walked into the chicken coop to look for eggs she knew her mom would need for the cakes.

The last few years had definitely been a challenge for the Tanner family. They had watched their once strong patriarch, Robert’s father, Ned, fade away, trapped in a mind riddled with dementia. Around the same time Ned’s dementia had progressed, the family farm had plunged toward bankruptcy, as two years of heavy rain and flooding killed the corn and hay crops, leaving the family with little feed for their cattle.

Robert and his brother Walt’s decision to increase the farm’s organic produce inventory had helped save the business, but only barely. Now the family joined other farmers in the area in another crisis – a surplus of milk and decline in demand.

“I swear, if one more person tells me they drink almond milk I’ll scream,” Jason said one day, climbing down from the tractor and slamming the door closed. “It’s not milk. You can’t milk an almond. Milk comes from mammals. It’s false advertising. They should call it almond juice. Plus, who knows what’s in that stuff – it isn’t only almonds, that’s for sure.”

Walking back toward the house, trying to wipe dirt from her face, but instead only wiping more onto it, Molly paused again to look out the fields of the farm. The green of the corn was starting to peek up from the soil and soon they’d be harvesting it, if the rain would ever stop. It would be the third year of harvesting without her grandfather, the first since he’d passed away from heart failure at the end of last summer.

“Are you going to stand there all day or are you going to bring those eggs into the house?”

Her mom’s voice and laughter startled her and she turned away from the sunset.

“Sorry,” Molly said. “I was just admiring the sunset.”

“I know it’s beautiful,” Annie Tanner said. “But I need to get those cakes started. A sunset will wait. Mavis Porter won’t.”

Annie looked at her daughter and sniffed. “What were you doing out there? Rolling in the manure? Head upstairs and get a shower before we start on these cakes.”

Molly inwardly cringed at the mention of Mavis, the woman who had overseen the Spencer Valley Methodist Church rummage sale for 20-years straight. Mavis had a knack for making anyone feel less than, her thin face pursed into a permanent look of disapproval. Molly hoped she wouldn’t be roped into manning the baked goods table again this year. Mavis seemed to think it was ironic to have the fat girl guarding the cakes and cookies at the annual rummage sale.

“I can’t believe there are any cakes left,” a middle school-aged boy said one year, looking Molly up and down from across the church basement while his friends laughed.

“There were probably even more before she came in,” another boy said, as they all snickered.

She pretended she didn’t hear them as she counted the change in the money box.

Molly wasn’t proud of the weight she’d gained over the years, but no matter what she did she couldn’t seem to get back down to her high school weight of 118. She missed when she was in junior high school, thin and limber and not the butt of little boy’s jokes.

With long brown hair that curled when wet and plenty of curves, she possessed a clearly feminine shape. She was not what some might call grotesquely obese. Still, she wasn’t happy with the extra cushion to her belly, backside, and thighs she’d developed in high school. She wished she’d never heard the term “saddlebags” beyond what was hooked to the actual saddle of a horse. Drying off in front of the bathroom mirror she kept her eyes downcast, hoping to avoid a full view of what her body had become over the years.

Three cakes were baked and cooling on the dining room table when Molly heard her father’s truck pulling into the driveway of the house.

Her father’s red Ford needed to be replaced. The old truck was Robert Tanner’s pride and joy and a gift from his father when Robert had taken over the farm. Annie kept urging him to invest in a new one, but each time she did he responded with: “It gets me where I need to go and when it won’t no more then I’ll get a new one.”

Molly watched as her dad climbed out of the driver side, more gingerly than he had even a year ago. He’d been up since 4 a.m. to oversee the milking of the cows, the shoveling of the manure, the preparations to mow the field and she knew the last few years had been as physically rough on her dad as it had been emotionally.

Alex slid out of the passenger side easily and walked toward the house. He wore the same style of faded blue jeans and brown work boots he did every day. A white t-shirt was dirt-stained under a blue button-up, shirt sleeve plaid shirt. Molly couldn’t deny Alex’s rugged good looks quickened her pulse at times, but he was six years older than her, obnoxious and preferred the bar when she preferred solitude with her journal.

“Are you coming to dinner tonight, Alex?” Annie asked from the doorway.

“I don’t like to intrude and I smell like – ..”

Annie interrupted before he could finish.

“Jason is visiting Elsie tonight so there is already an extra place at the table for you,” she said. “Wash up and head on in. I’m dipping it up now.”

“Good day in the fields?” Molly asked after the prayers had been said and the food was on the plates.

“The John Deere finally broke down,” Robert said, breaking a piece off a chicken breast.

“Will John come and look at it?” Annie asked.

Alex and I can take care of it in the morning after milking,” Robert said nodding toward Alex. “It will make a late start, but I hate to spend the money if I know we can fix it here.”

Alex grinned. “Robert forgets I’m not good with the tractors, just the trucks,” he said. “But I’ll see what I can do.”

“I have faith in both of you,” Annie said with a smile.

Quiet settled over the dining room. The clanking of forks against plates was soon the only sound. Molly felt the tension in the air like someone wanted to say something but didn’t know how to. Her dad cleared his throat and she felt apprehension curl in her stomach.

“We got a letter from the co-op today,” he said.

“How bad are the numbers?” Annie asked and spooned more potatoes on Alex’s plate.

“Worse I’ve seen in five years,” Robert was somber. “It’s going to hurt a lot of farmers. Even with the organic market, I think it may even hurt us. There were also more farms that went out of business this year.”

Molly felt sick at the thought of even more of their friends being forced to sell their farms. She had attended too many auctions last year, hugged too many farmers wives, watched too many farm families weep as their lives were sold to the highest bidder.

“I don’t understand how the buyers can keep getting away with his,” Annie said, shaking her head. “It’s like the harder we all work, the more we get punished. We make the milk, they raise the prices and barely pass anything on to us.”

Molly pushed her potatoes around her plate as silence settled over the small group.

“We just have to give this over to God,” Robert said softly. “It’s all I know how to do anymore. Keep plugging ahead somehow and pray God shows us which direction to take. We’ve got the store, we are offering organic meats and products, something many people seem interested in now. It’s all we can do.”

The family and Alex nodded but they all felt the dread and the worry, like a sojourner without a compass.

Robert Tanner had been working on his family’s farm for more than 50 years and in the last 10 years, the farm had expanded to include farmland once owned by neighbors who had sold family businesses after the decline in milk prices had devastated them financially. Robert and his father Ned had offered area farmer’s a fair price and in some cases had even given them jobs in Tanner Enterprises. The farmers were able to keep their homes and remain in the area, if they wanted to, with the Tanners taking over their planting, harvesting, and milking.

Robert was proud of how he and his brother Walter had been able to grow the family business his grandfather had started almost 100 years ago, but he was also tired. It hadn’t been easy to keep a small farm, let alone a big one, operating in the black and it was getting harder each year. Diversifying what the farm produced and adding a farm store had increased profits enough to keep food on his, and his employees’, tables, but there were some days Robert wondered when the other shoe was going to drop and his dream of being a farmer would die.

___

Looking for other fiction? Catch up on my novel in progress: ‘A Story to Tell’ Here.

I’m also working on a Biblical novella, which you can find excerpts of here or at the link above under Fully Alive

The Do Nothing Summer

We really haven’t done anything this summer and I’ve felt guilty about it, but part of the time it couldn’t be helped.

This has been a fairly hot, humid summer and going outside to frolic in the fields hasn’t really been an option. Of course, one has to be cautious about frolicking in fields around here anyhow with all the Lyme Disease carrying ticks that our county has. The number of people we know hitting their beds due to Lyme is a bit overwhelming. My dad has been one of them and is frustrated with the exhaustion that often hits him.

We haven’t really visited playgrounds (okay, we’ve gone to two), or gone to the local pool near us (probably because my dad installed a large one at his house), visited the local libraries (probably because I always lose library books and end up paying for them) or had a fancy vacation (because we are poor). Quite frankly, we’ve been slugs.

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We still have a month before school starts, so hopefully, we can pack in some fun days before then. In the midst of trying to squeeze in some fun activities, I’m also researching additional homeschool curriculum since I plan to start homeschooling on August 26, something my son isn’t super thrilled with.

Homeschooling has been a blessing to us so far, even on the tough days. It’s been nice to be able to visit my parents even on school days, instead of visiting them only on the weekends. My son is able to spend days and nights with my parents while my dad teaches him life skills, such as do it yourself projects. My dad is either teaching my son or using him to help complete some projects around the house, either way, it’s a good learning experience for him.

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This summer my son helped his grandfather prepare the ground for a new pool behind the house, work on a shed near the house, and repair a tombstone of a family member at the local cemetery. They have also enjoyed quite a few breakfasts out together. One thing the weather this summer hasn’t allowed much time for is the long bike rides my son and dad usually take.

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Maybe we can all find something fun to do when the weather breaks and we don’t have to sweat through it. Thanks to the flexibility of homeschooling we will be able to do that even if it happens right when classes start again.

So, how about you? How is summer treating you? Have you been able to take a lot of trips, go to the pool, play at the playground (with or without children), or take some long bike rides? Or have you been a slug, like me this summer?

 

 

When you finally get sick of trying to make everyone happy

I wrote a blog post this weekend and a day later I deleted it because I realized it was another example of me trying to appease other people who I may or may not have offended and darn it to heck, people, I’m tired of kissing the feet of every Tom, Dick or Harry who is offended by the world.

I spent six years of my life cowtailing to a group of people in my life, desperate to change who I was so they would like me and I would fit in with them, only to be constantly reminded I didn’t. I’m in my fourth decade of life and I just don’t have time for the game called Popularity where no one wins.

I remember changing posts on Facebook or deleting them after private messages were launched at me about my thoughts on faith or my son’s so-called private school that turned out to be some weird cult where you died if you left it. Trust me, I prefer being dead to those people than when I had to cage who I was to be sure I didn’t offend them.

Was it all their fault? No, but yes. No, because it was up to me to ignore those who are chronically offended but yes because they were chronically offended.

I used to hide feelings, what movies I watched, music I listened to, books I read or beliefs I held just to be sure I didn’t offend them. I made sure I didn’t comment, even on my private page on Facebook, because the cult apparently had people stalking me and I would find warning, scolding emails or Facebook messages to me and once I was even called to remind me what I was and was not allowed to say online. That’s no way to live but it wasn’t until they started doing it to my son that I had finally had enough.

So when I wrote that blog post to try to appease someone I knew I had pissed off and who, as usual, chose not to speak to me about it, but act out in other ways, I realized I had fallen back into the same butt-kissing, floor groveling, sad, pathetic person from my past. The one who begged people to like her. The one who was willing to change who God made her to be so others would accept her. The one who was sick and tired of the cold shoulders, the pursed lips and the sideways glances through narrow-slit eyelids.

People, please. Don’t keep bowing to people who don’t even care enough about you to ask how you are or who, most likely, don’t even care the way you think they do. Don’t be like me and project your feelings onto them. Don’t think they are sitting there hating you, or loving you, when they may not be. Just be you and forget what everyone else thinks – to a point. I don’t mean intentionally offend people or get up in their face but just write what you want, if you feel it needs to be said, draw what you want, listen to what you want and watch what you want. I don’t really want you to listen to trashy music or watch a bunch of violent sex-filled movies so don’t go too far here but you know what I mean, right?

Let’s just stop trying to make everyone like us and accept not everyone is going to and if they don’t like you for who you are then they don’t need to be in your life anyhow – no matter how good of a friend they used to be.

Links from the blogosphere

I’ve been reading some really great blog posts from the last couple of weeks, how about all of you?

I thought I’d link a few of my favorite recent posts from other bloggers and maybe you’ll find a new blog or two to follow or at least some good posts.

Here was a great post from Fractured Faith Blog about staying in the now to help combat Anxiety. — HERE

Brittany from Ordinary Extraordinary Mom wrote about how to keep peace in the midst of chaos, which is something that is always timely for me because I always seem to be caught up in chaos.

As a fairly new homeschooling mom, this post by Roses at Dawn about her homeschooling journey really helped me and may help other homeschooling moms and dads.

The Intrepid Arkansawyer shared with us about how to use Feedly as a blog reader, which I found particularly interesting since I like the option to be able to follow blogs that are on platforms other than WordPress, along with the ones on WordPress.

Chandni wrote this touching post about falling in love with her husband during the happy and difficult times as they travel life together. You might want to get a tissue, a hankie, or some old sock to blow your nose on for this one.

This post by Alethea, For Battles Unseen. . . was just amazing and one I want to make sure to go back to over and over to remind me to thank God for all his provisions in my life – even the ones I don’t see him fighting.

How about you? Any great posts you’ve read in the last couple of weeks? Share them in the comments or share a favorite of your own!

 

 

 

It’s not all just ‘in my head’. It’s in my uterus. But thank you for dismissing me.

I once had a couple of people (who most likely were well-meaning) tell me the anxiety I had, the worry, the exhaustion, the muscle aches, the overall body weakness – everything I had – was in my head and due to my doing the Christian thing all wrong. I didn’t pray enough. I didn’t pray right. I didn’t rebuke right. I didn’t “take authority” over the demons attacking me right.

So, listen, I know that part of the anxiety I deal with is ‘in my head’ but guess what – the anxiety I deal with is also in my uterus. It’s hormone related. How do I know this? Because one week out of the month I barely have anxiety, I’m not exhausted, my muscles don’t hurt and I don’t feel weak all over. The rest of the month I’m a total mess. It’s definitely a pattern and definitely follows a “cycle”, like a menstrual cycle – get it?

For two weeks out of the month, which, yes, means almost the entire month, I am weak, I have brain fog, my muscles hurt, I’m severely dizzy, I have heart palpitations, my legs feel heavy, my skin feels weird and my brain tells me I’m going to die at any moment or my family is going to be taken away in the blink of an eye. I also feel like I can’t eat. I feel like I have morning sickness when I don’t. It’s a nightmare and I become agoraphobic. Leaving the house is a battle.

Every day is a constant mental battle. During those weeks I am a shell of who I used to be. I am afraid to take photography jobs because I don’t want to pass out or have a low blood sugar moment. I’m afraid to take my children anywhere. I’m afraid to live my life and many days I just don’t.  I don’t do what I want to do because I know one of the weird physical symptoms I have is going to limit me. I’m afraid even when I know I shouldn’t be afraid.

But this week? This is a good week.

This week I got up without anxiety gnawing at my gut. This week I went to an anniversary dinner with my husband and I didn’t think I was going to pass out at the restaurant. This week I took my dog to the vet with my kids and didn’t think I couldn’t breathe or I’d pass out or my legs wouldn’t be able to hold me up.

I don’t understand why I have these symptoms one week and not another. I am almost certain it’s a hormone thing because of some other signs, which I will not share here (I know you’re thankful for that!). I am also almost certain it’s a hormone thing because I’ve met women online who are having the same symptoms

“Go to a doctor!” a family member likes to tell me, (which is perfectly fine advice, don’t get me wrong.)

I did. The doctor looked at me and said: “You’re too young for that..see you in six months.” So right now I am on my own to figure it all out and I am finding things that are helping, some days anyhow, so for that, I’m grateful, but on the days I can’t seem to control it all, I wish I had people in my life, beyond my mom, who had taken the time to understand instead of simply dismissing me as “not enough.”

While I don’t know what exactly causes the hormonal rises and falls and haven’t yet pinpointed a definitive way to manage the swings, what I do know is the worst thing that has happened to me is being told it’s all in my head.

If I had cancer, maybe I would have been treated differently, and not like I was less than for battling these physical symptoms along with the mental. If I had a heart issue, maybe I would have been treated differently and not looked down on. I don’t know and I don’t want to find out.

But because I am a Christian and I have anxiety that is not all from Satan and not all from me being “weak and faithless” I am not worth the time of many other so-called Christians.

If you are a Christian and you have anxiety – don’t let anyone tell you that it’s because you’re not a good enough Christian. Don’t let them tell you that you don’t pray enough, you’re not faithful enough, you don’t rebuke enough. Some of those things may be true, at times, but they aren’t always true. Sometimes there is something physical going on in your body creating these symptoms.

Trust in God to walk you through the physical and the mental trials facing you and tune out the Christians, (some of them well-meaning, with no ill intent) who are telling you that you are experiencing these trials because you are doing something wrong. Maybe you do need to pray more, read your Bible more or tell the spirits of infirmity and anxiety and depression to get away from you, but your physical ailments should never be referred to as a punishment from God.

Maybe you are doing something right by holding on to God as he leads you down a difficult, challenging, heartbreaking path that will eventually prosper you, not harm you.