Faithfully Thinking: Didn’t I tell you to let me handle it?

I am a control freak.

I know it.

My family knows it.

God knows it.

I’m not as bad as some people, no.

But, I’m still someone who likes to control situations around me – mainly any situation I feel could affect my own well being or that of a family member.

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If I think I can do something to change a situation for the better, I will do it, or at least attempt to do it. Often, though, I can not change a situation and I still lay there at night and try to figure out how I can.

For instance, we need to sell our house, sooner rather than later, so for several nights in a row, I was lying awake, trying to figure out how to get the money to fix this house up so we can sell it faster. I couldn’t figure it out and it was leaving me exhausted and irritated. One night I was laying there, physically tossing in bed while my brain tossed all the possibilities of remedying this situation back and forth. That’s when I heard a voice, of sorts, in my head. Actually, it was more like a sentence that I didn’t put there, so, for me, it was God reminding me of something.

The conversation went something like this:

“Didn’t I tell you to let me handle it?”

“Well, yes, Lord, but . . . ”

“Then let me handle it.”

The conversation was over that quickly.

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God didn’t ask me to figure it all out. He didn’t ask me to find the solution to our need to find a house closer to my husband’s job or figure out how to get people to read my books when I write them (specifically Fully Alive when it is done. This is the book I really feel God was prodding me to write and I’m terrified to continue writing because I feel completely unqualified to do so.) He also didn’t ask me to be the so-called perfect teacher for my children while I homeschool – he just asked me to do it and reminded me he would take it from there.

I’m not good at obeying.

I’m a rebel.

I don’t like to be told what to do, but as a follower of Christ, I need to trust that he knows better than I do about the things of life.

And I need to trust that ultimately God will handle it, whatever “it” is at that point in my life.

 

My Word of the Year for 2020

Do you start your new year off with a word you hope and plan will define that new year?
I’ve been doing that for a few years now, a tradition that started with my brother who was doing it with someone else on a blog. I really don’t think about the word that much during the year, to be honest, but sometimes I will remind myself of the word I chose (or feel was given to me) and redirect my attitude. It’s also interesting to look back at the end of a year and see how the world aligned with what happened that year.

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Last year my word was “contentment.”It took me several months into 2019 to reach the point of contentment in some situations in my life, however. I was not content with the loss of (or changes in) friendships at all last year, or with our traditionally difficult financial situation. But, over time, toward the end of the year, I started to settle in with the idea that friendships I had once thought would be around for a long time to come had faded and that we may never be rich, but somehow we seem to pull through and pay all our bills, even if it requires some sacrifices.

A couple of years ago I chose the words “peace” and “simplicity.” Everything in my world was not peaceful or simple during that year but there were periods of peace and simplicity at least. Decisions were also made with those words at the forefront of my mind, as much as possible anyhow. To keep with the sentiment behind the words I also cut out some people and aspects of my life that created little more than stress.

Another year I chose the word “restoration” because a lot in my life needed to be restored that year. The year I chose reconciliation we seemed to be reconciled with family but by the end of the year that had crumbled and they returned to only contacting us when they wanted something (usually transportation somewhere).

 

This year I am choosing the word “renew” because my life needs new energy – big time and in many areas, including my relationship with God, my relationship with family, my role a teacher for my kids, my health, my diet, my career (such that it is..or whatever it is), and my spiritual well being. That is a long list, but, really, my entire life needs an overhaul. My children’s lives also need renewal and one of the biggest areas where they need renewal are in their friendships. My daughter, 5, needs friends, period, and my son, 13, needs much better friends than he has now.

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I am using the definition of renewal that is “the replacing or repair of something that is worn out, run-down, or broken.” Not the definition of starting something back up again – unless I apply that definition to my life in general. I am broken. Physically for sure and in some ways emotionally and spiritually. I need to hit the refresh button in my life and revitalize my diet, my exercise, my mind, my spirit.

I am tired.

Every day.

I am physically tired but somedays I’m not sure if I am physically tired because I am emotionally and spiritually tired or if I’m physically tired because of something going on with my health. I have hypothyroidism, so that does make me tired. I seem to be in the midst of perimenopause, so that makes me tired. I may, or may not, have an autoimmune disease, so that makes me tired.  My vitamin d is low (which may be related to one of the possible health issues I have) so that makes me tired too.

But I think somedays I am tired because I think too much and my mental exhaustion translates into physical exhaustion. I watch too many sermons, trying to incorporate it all into my life in one fell swoop, instead of just watching one and meditating on that one sermon all week. I follow too many social media sites that offer encouragement, which I know sounds silly. How can you receive too much encouragement? But, when you try to apply it all at once like I do points from the sermon, it can become too much.

In other words, sometimes there are too many voices in my head and I need to silence them so I can hear God’s.

“Just…ssshhh. Let me think. Let me hear.” That’s what I want to say to all the voices.

“Let me try to figure this out before ya’ll start yelling at me about how to get my health back on track; how to get closer to God; how to improve my spiritual walk; what I should eat to feel better; who I should watch for spiritual guidance; what I should/shouldn’t be saying to/doing with my children.”

I just can’t listen to it all anymore.

I need renewal and I need it with a little less noise.

That’s why five days ago I started a complete social media fast that I hope will force me to focus on the areas of my life I need to work on. Health is certainly at the top of that list because, as I mentioned above, I am tired. My muscles hurt. I am winded from climbing the stairs most days. And, yes, I am grossly over the weight I should be for my short stature.

I do not eat fast food. I do not eat bread. I do eat some sugar. I do not eat regularly or include enough protein with each meal. And I do not exercise because – did I not mention this yet? – I am TIRED!

However, I do know that exercise can help with that as well, so I hope to incorporate at least some walking this year and go from there. To be honest, though, I’m so tired today (a few days before that lovely Aunt Flo comes) that even writing “I plan to walk more this year” makes me feel like a blooming hypocrite. I don’t know if I really do “plan” to walk more, but I “want” to walk more. How about that?

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Other words I could adopt this year: reinvigorate and refresh. I need to be reinvigorated and I need to hit a refresh button.  Part of that refresh we hope will come by selling this house and moving to a new one. Leaving this house won’t leave behind the hurts we’ve experienced while living in this town. It won’t change that family on my husband’s side have barely spoken to us in years and somehow blame us even though we tried to reconnect but were always told “We’re too busy for you.” Moving will not change many things, but we see it as a type of restart – a chance to make some changes for the better.

That restart started for us in April of this year when my husband started a new job, 40  minutes from where we live now, and opened up a door to an entirely new experience for him. The rest of the family is ready for some changes and new experiences too so right now we are praying we can sell this house, buy the one we already have an offer on and “get out of dodge”, so to speak.

So how about you? Do you choose a word of the year? A word to help guide you throughout the year, not pressure you like a resolution? A word to grow with you as you step through each day? Let me know in the comments.

If you are interested in choosing a word and would like some guidance on how to do it (even if it just for yourself and not to announce to your readers or publically) check out The Dolly Mama’s post, How To Choose Your Word of the Year (helpful reminders and simple steps)…Find Out Mine

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2019 in photos

I thought I would look back at 2019 in photos and one thing I’ve realized is that I didn’t take as many photos in 2019 as I have in other years. This will confuse you when you see the list of photos below, but, trust me, I used to take a lot more. I guess I’m in a photography rut of sorts.

I stole the idea of the photos from my brother who, for once, (*wink*) had a good idea. Unlike my brother, I’m not going to add explanations because I have too many photos and I’m not as patient as my brother to do that.

January through April

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August to December

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Round ‘em up! Weekly blog roundup

There were so many good blog posts this week around the blogging community and I’m excited to share them with you on my weekly round up. As usual, I’ll provide a link to my blog posts from the past week or so as well, but this week I want to focus on some cool bloggers I follow or have discovered.

Pete at Lunch Break Fiction does it again with The Gift. Do yourself a big favor. If you aren’t following Pete’s blog yet go over right now and “click” follow. You won’t regret it. It’s full of touching, awesome, engaging short stories.

Manitoba Mom, hanging out up there the frozen Canadian tundra (just kidding about it being frozen. I think.) always gives me a lot to chew on and think about, in a fun and entertaining way, mixed in with some deep thoughts as well. This one about five tips on how she plans to manage the cold winter months coming up in January and February is one I can relate to because I struggle terribly with keeping my sanity in the winter months. We’ve been lucky to have a stretch of warmer days but the darkness is still here and I know the cold will soon make its return.

For His Purpose wrote about developing patience with people who are sometimes difficult to deal with and I could absolutely relate to this, especially since I used to work with people daily when I worked for smalltown newspapers. For this post, she’s been dealing with a particularly challenging person in her personal life, and again, I can completely relate to struggling to show a person like this the love of Christ, when all we really want to do is run screaming away. (I have a feeling I might be that person for other people  . . . hmmmm).

Bettydraper offered this lovely post about the day she became a Christian and how it ties into the real meaning of Christmas so perfectly.

I’m pretty sure I already shared links to some of Our Little Red House’s 12 days of Christmas craft posts, but just in case, here is another one. What ingenious ideas she’s had or gleaned from others over the years to recycle objects and turn them into beautiful Christmas ornaments or decorations. She offers other unique craft ideas throughout the year as well.

The Feet of A Messenger offered this look back at 2019 and how much she’s changed and grown in 2019 and also how far she still has to go. Trust me, I could relate to this (as you know by reading some of my more whiney blog posts earlier this year.)

I’ve also been discovering some new fiction writers who blog serial stories, or short fiction pieces, this week which is exciting for me since I’ve been blogging my own fiction since May.

I bumped into BeetleyPete who is in the midst of a serial story about a murder mystery. I’m heading back to the beginning to catch up on this one since the parts I started to read intrigued me already.

I’m also intrigued by Rachel Smith’s fiction and can’t wait to delve into her stories this week.

As for my blog posts in the last week or so:

So what have you been up to on your blog and otherwise? Read or write any good posts you would like to share? Leave a link in the comment section and I’ll share them in my next Blog Roundup (which I hope to make a bi-weekly post, or weekly if I have enough posts to share each week).


Lisa R. Howeler is a writer and photographer from the “boondocks” who writes a little bit about a lot of things on her blog Boondock Ramblings. She’s published a fiction novel ‘A Story to Tell’ on Kindle and also provides stock images for bloggers and others at Alamy.com and Lightstock.com.

 

 

 

Discovering Marc Martel

When I saw Michael W. Smith and Amy Grant were going on their Christmas tour this year with someone named Marc Martel,  I was like, “who is this dude? Is he even Christian?” Yes, I was that judgmental. But, my thinking was that normally they feature Christian artists whose view of Christmas is Christian leaning. So I googled Marc and at first I was like “He’s in a Queen cover band and sang some of the Freddie Mercury parts for the movie Bohemian Rhapsody? I guess he’s not Christian.”

Oops. That was judgmental again. Yes, I know.

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But, it turns out that Marc is both in a Queen cover band and a Christian, who got his start in a Christian rock band he toured with for 13 years. He can also pretty much mimic some of my favorite artists, including Keith Green, a Christian singer from the 1970s and 1980s.

For those of you who may not know him, Keith passed away in a plane crash in the early 80s, along with two of his three children. I remember the day he died because my mom cried, later telling me she didn’t understand why God had taken him away so soon. He was only 28 when he passed away but the legacy he’s left behind is incredible. His lyrics were very deep and convicting for Christians, something we could really use today as a church.

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I fell into a sort of YouTube spiral with Marc’s music last week and when I heard he was influenced by Keith I had to look up and see if he’d ever sung a song by him. He had indeed. The recording was made before Marc knew as much about videography so he’s a bit out of focus, but I wanted to share the video here, along with one of Keith so you can see how close Marc’s voice is to his.

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Here are a few videos of Marc singing in the style of Freddie Mercury.

Here is a recording he did last year with Kevin Max, of DC Talk fame. Love the blend of their voices.

And here is a horrible video reproduction but an amazing version of Michael W. Smith’s “All Is Well” he sang while he was on tour with Smitty and Amy this fall and winter.

And for something different – here he is singing like Pavarotti and Freddie Mercury in the style they would both sing Nessun Dorma (if Freddie had ever sung that song).

And a bonus….this rendition of Unchained Melody will haunt you — in a good way. I’m not a big fan of this song, to be honest, but the way he does it – wow. I’d listen to it over and over and I have. He definitely puts his own spin on it.

Okay, one more bonus: Marc singing “Is He Worthy” by Andrew Peterson.

Amazingly, Marc does not seem to have a record deal (despite being chosen to sing lead in a Queen tribute band back in 2011 or 2012 by the remaining Queen members) but he puts his own covers and music up on YouTube and iTunes, so you can find him there. Just be warned if you start clicking his videos on YouTube you are going to fall into a YouTube spiral of his videos because you simply want to hear more of him.

Well, did I introduce you all to someone new or were you already aware of Mr. Martel? Let me know in the comments and also check out my post from earlier this year about David Phelps, one of my other favorite singers of all time. Incidentally, the Phelps post was my most popular to date on this blog other than my post about small family farmsdisappearing, which was viewed more than 3,500 times.

Sunday Bookends: My Kindle returns home, Christmas in review, and novel breakthrough

Christmas is behind us and a new year awaits its start in only a few days, which seems completely impossible to me.

What a relief it was when my Kindle was back in my arms this week after we gave my mom her new Kindle. I, being the wonderful daughter I am, gave my mom my Kindle when hers died about a month ago, knowing we (our family, my brother and his wife, and my dad) could buy her a new one for Christmas. I’d had the Kindle since Black Friday so it was hard not to give it to her ahead of time, but my husband insisted, “It’s a Christmas gift so we will give it to her on Christmas.” So, I downloaded the app on my phone instead and squinted to read my books for a month.

Now, my Kindle is home, my mom’s new Kindle is set up, and all is right with the world. Or it was. For a day anyhow. Then I started a book that killed off yet another parent and in a car accident, so, yeah, the anxiety part of me will now worry about that happening to me while my kids are in the car.

The book Lead Me Home by Amy K. Sorrell is very well written but a bit hard to slog through the beginning part of, only because I don’t like tough subjects in books sometimes. The writing is so well done I was carried along through the character’s stories, despite my anxiety-ridden thoughts.

The story is about a minister who has lost his wife and is trying to navigate life raising his teenage daughter and keeping his church operational. I’m going to keep reading it, simply because I enjoy how she is developing the characters in a slow, methodical way, through short, yet still dense, chapters.

I’m also reading another Paddington book with my 5-year old and I laugh at the stories more than she does because the humor is a little subtle and also because, as I’ve mentioned before, she usually passes out five minutes into me reading it to her. We start a lot of the chapters over, but I don’t mind. The stories are cute and light, something I need these days.

As for what I’m watching, I watched a movie called The Way, Way Back with Steve Correll, Sam Rockwell, Toni Collette, and Allison Janney. It was much better than I expected. It’s about an awkward 14-year old who goes on summer vacation to the beach with his mom and her boyfriend and his daughter. To avoid the overbearing boyfriend (Carrell) the boy visits a waterpark where he befriends Rockwell’s character and starts to climb out of his shell and learn how to stand up to the jerk boyfriend but also how to simply live and have fun.

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It was a subtle film, without the over the top drama, language or sex other films provide and I liked that. I also liked that the teen was portrayed as an actual teen, not the caricature of one. He left sentences unfinished, had no idea how to hold conversations and simply scowled in scenes where other movies would have thrown in unnecessary dialogue. I also liked that the characters were portrayed as flawed and broken but not crazy dysfunctional like in some movies. It’s a fairly clean movie, other than some odd sexual innuendos from Rockwell’s character and the occasional “b.s.”. I found it streaming on Amazon, but I’m sure it is streaming other places as well.

Our Christmas was quiet with a small gathering of my immediate family at my parents. My husband’s family doesn’t talk to us and my brother and his wife stayed home because my sister-in-law had to work so it was a quiet Christmas. We made cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve at the request of my daughter.

This was our second year of not having my Aunt Dianne at Christmas after she passed away four days after Christmas 2017. In fact, today is the anniversary of the day she passed away from a heart attack (we suspect anyhow) in my parent’s dining room. She was living with my parents at the time and had previously suffered two heart attacks, was on oxygen and had heart failure. It’s odd not having her around to laugh with and watch her enjoy Christmas so fully, which she did, every year. A few years before she passed away she had started making sausage balls for Christmas, which was something she used to make when she lived in North Carolina. Her final Christmas she could barely stand without gasping for breath and getting dizzy but she made sausage balls for the entire family, excited to do so.

Last year I made them in honor of her and they didn’t come out too bad. I tried it again this year and overcooked them, but my parents also made some which came out a little better and everyone was able to enjoy. I may try another couple of batches for New Years but I already know I won’t be able to make them as well as Aunt Dianne always did.

In case you’re wondering what sausage balls are, here is a simple recipe. The only difference for me is I substitute the regular Bisquick for gluten free Bisquick, since I have a corn allergy. (No. I’m serious. Don’t laugh. I’m actually allergic to .. sigh…corn. I’m a freak of nature.)

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Every year my dad hangs a star on a tree on his hillside, which can be seen from the main highway. It’s been something neighbors and friends look for but this year Dad wasn’t in the mood to lug the thing up the hill and weather and preparations to sell our house kept us from helping him, so it looked like the star wouldn’t be erected. But one day last week a family friend tagged me on Facebook (which I checked during the holiday season prior to my planned 30-day detox) and announced that the star was on the hillside.

It turned out my dad hadn’t climbed up the 12 feet he usually does with my husband’s help to nail it to the three (thankfully) but had propped it up instead.

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The star doesn’t look as big in the photo as it actually is. It’s probably five feet wide and 10 feet tall. The tree he usually hangs it on is dying, which means it can’t be nailed there anyhow. The tree is an Ash tree and our state has been overrun with Ash bores, a nasty little bug to take out the population of another nasty bug that was brought in to get rid of another nasty bug and … well, you get the idea. It’s a never-ending cycle that our federal and state environmental agencies don’t seem to learn from.

I wrote about the star in a blog post last year  and the year before as well.

I pushed through a wall in my novel this past week and that has opened up a lot of the story for me, which is coming at a good time because I’ve officially started a 30-day social media detox and finishing the novel will be something that will fill the days I feel the urge to use social media to check up on friends or family who no longer talk to me.

Yes, I know, leave the past behind and never look back. And, yes, I know, I’m pathetic.

I did well at not looking back last year when I did a detox but fell off the wagon this year so I’m climbing back on.  Wish me luck and feel free to follow my novel here on the blog or wait for it to come out as an ebook in the spring of 2019.

I’m also hoping to continue work on another novel and a Biblical-fiction novella I started more than six months ago. Wish me luck for finishing those as well.

So how did your Christmas or holiday time go? And what are you reading or watching? Let me know in the comments!

Carrot Ranch Flash Fiction Prompt: “By Design”

The following is a Flash Fiction prompt by Carrot Ranch Literary Blog for the week of Dec. 26, 2019 to Dec. 31, 2019.

The challenge is to write a story in 99 words, no more, no less. This is my first try at such a thing, so go easy on me. Edited to add: I realized after I wrote this that I accidentally left a word in that shouldn’t have been there so this is only 98 words. Oops. Also… I read this to my husband, my 13-year old son heard it and announced, “that was the cheesiest thing I’ve ever heard.”


She thought it had all been an accident. He’d run into her on his way into the supermarket while she was walking out.

“Oh, excuse me,” he’d said, bright blue eyes sparkling in the sunlight, dirty blond hair falling across his forehead and his hand warm against her arm as they collided. “I didn’t see you there.”

She’d dropped one of her bags and oranges were rolling across the parking lot.

Little did she know their encounter had been by design all along, and by his design, not by divine design. It wasn’t divine, was it? She wondered.


Lisa R. Howeler is a writer and photographer from the “boondocks” who writes a little bit about a lot of things on her blog Boondock Ramblings. She’s published a fiction novel ‘A Story to Tell’ on Kindle and also provides stock images for bloggers and others at Alamy.com and Lightstock.com.

Fiction Friday: A New Beginning Chapter 9

Welcome to Fiction Friday, where I share a fiction story I’m working on or a novel in progress. If you share serial fictions on your blog as well please feel free to share a link to your latest installment, or the first part, in the comment section.

This week I pushed through some of the blockages I had in the story, so hoping that continues and I can finally finish it and begin some heavy editing. Of course, as I edit that could change some of what you are reading here, but the final draft will be published as an ebook on Kindle and other locations sometime in the spring.

As always, you can catch the first part of Blanche’s story, A Story to Tell, on Kindle. Also, as always, this is a work in progress so there are bound to be words missing or other typos. To follow the story from the beginning, find the link HERE or at the top of the page.


Light, Shadows & Magic (2)Edith took the platter I had been carrying as I stepped through her front door. “Fried chicken, huh? I just read an article about how fattening fried foods are.”

I rolled my eyes. “And I just read an article about how unhealthy it is to take all the good tasting food out of your life.”

Edith set the platter on her table and then reached for a pitcher of lemonade and a bowl of salad, setting them on the table.

“Hey, ladies, Emmy’s walking up the front walk,” Jimmy said walking in the back door. “Or should I say, she’s waddling up?”

I smacked him gently on the arm. “Jimmy!”

“What? She’s waddling! I can’t help it. I think she’s carrying twins.”

“Don’t say that to her,” Edith whispered. “I don’t want her to feel bad.”

I opened the front door and took the plate of brownies from Emmy, stepping back so she could walk through to the couch, where I knew she’d want to sit.

“A few more weeks and I’m free,” she gasped, falling back onto the cushions, her belly pushed out.

“Free?” I laughed. “Oh, honey, your belly will be free, but your job only gets harder after the baby is here.”

Emmy closed her eyes and sighed.

“Oh, don’t remind me,” she said, then smiled. “But I know it will be worth it then, when I can finally hold this baby in my arms.”

“You girls going to be okay here alone?” Jimmy asked, snatching a brownie. “Your dad and I are taking Jackson and Judson fishing up at the lake today, so we won’t be around to save you if you set the oven on fire or Emmy gets stuck in the couch.”

Emmy scowled at Jimmy and playfully tossed a pillow at his head.

“Why are you taking Judson?” I asked.

“Why not?” Jimmy asked. “He’s a cool guy and we like showing him how to be a real country boy.”

“She thinks Mama and Daddy are trying to set her up with him,” Edith laughed. “And that Daddy is prepping him to be part of the family.”

I scowled at her as I helped Jackson with his jacket.

“Mama is trying at least,” I said.

“What’s ‘setting up’ mean?” Jackson asked, reaching for his fishing pole.

“Nothing,” I said quickly, kissing his forehead. “Don’t you worry about it, honey.”

Jimmy grinned and snatched his fishing pole from behind the door then raised his hands in front of him as a sign of surrender and headed toward the door.

“I’m stepping out of this conversation. Have fun with your gathering, ladies.”

I watched Jackson follow Jimmy down the sidewalk toward Jimmy’s truck, his jeans slipping down slightly in the back as he walked. It was hard to believe that he was already 6-years old. It hurt me he didn’t have a father to help set an example for him, but I was happy Jimmy and Daddy were there to be the men in his life.

“Why do you keep avoiding Judson anyhow?” Edith asked as the front door closed.

“I’m just not interested,” I said.

Emmy struggled to push herself up out of the cushions of the couch.

“Why not?” she asked. “He’s cute, polite  . . .  a member of my family, which means he’s got to be a great person.”

I shrugged. “I’m just not. He’s nice enough but who knows how long he’ll even stay here. He’s only here to learn more about construction from your dad and then he’ll be gone.”

Emmy shrugged. “Yeah, but that could take years. I mean, he’s renting a home here, says he loves this area. He could decide to stay here forever and besides – you agree he’s good looking right?”

I rolled my eyes, sitting in the recliner and leaning my head back against the back of it and groaning. “Yes, he’s good looking, but looks, as we know, can be very deceiving.”

I tipped my head up, raised an eyebrow and looked at Emmy and Edith. “You get my drift?”

Edith shrugged and poured herself a glass of lemonade.

“Not every good-looking apple is rotten,” she said, grinning.

Emmy shifted forward on the couch and looked at Edith. Now both of them were grinning, a sight that aggravated me.

“And that apple really is very good looking,” Emmy said. “Those blue eyes against that dark hair…handsome like all the male members of my family. ”

Edith smirked.

“And I bet he’s got some muscles under that construction shirt. He’d have to with all that lifting and hammering he does.”

“You two are starting to sound like Mama!” I cried. “Are we going to bake some cookies and make popcorn for the Dick VanDyke Show tonight or are we going to talk about my love life?”

Emmy wheezed as she pushed herself to a standing position. “Or your lack of a love life.”

I turned and scowled at her.

She raised her hands slightly at her side and shrugged.

“They say pregnant women get something called brain fog,” she said with a grin. “Blame my sassy mouth on the baby. I’ll be right back. I have to pee again.”

When Emmy waddled back into the room a few moments later, Edith set a tray of egg sandwiches on the coffee table and sat on the couch next to Emmy.

“Speaking of babies – I’ve been wanting to talk to you ladies about something.”m

My heart started pounding fast.

“Are you -?”

Edith interrupted me by raising her hand and shaking her head. “No. No. Nothing like that. We still can’t seem to get pregnant, but Jimmy and I have been talking a lot lately about other ways to start a family.”

I sat on the chair across from the couch. “Adoption?”

Edith nodded and wrung her hands nervously. “Yes. But I’m scared. What if this isn’t the right thing to do? What if it – what if it falls through or what if we don’t bond with the child, because he or she isn’t ours biologically?”

I leaned forward and took my sister’s hands in mine. “Edith, you’re starting to sound like me. That’s not like you. At the risk of sounding like Mama, have you prayed about this?”

“Oh yes, Jimmy and I both have. We’ve been praying about it together every day. I – I called an adoption agency last week and they’ve asked us to drive down and fill out an application. They were very nice, but I still – I just don’t know if this is the right thing to do.”

“Well, if it isn’t the right thing to do, God will stop it,” Emmy said. “That’s how I figure it, anyhow. Maybe it’s not the soundest theology but it’s what I think.”

Edith smiled, reaching one hand out to hold Emmy’s and the other to hold mine. “Okay, ladies. Then our job is to pray together that Jimmy and I make the right decision and that if adoption is the path God wants us to take, a child will be placed with us.”

We all agreed we would pray for God’s wisdom and I prayed silently for Edith’s heart to be protected.

***

“Blanche, sit down.” Stanley gestured to the chair in front of his desk sans cigar as I handed him my column. “I have a question for you.”

The suggestion to sit was an unusual one for Stanley and made me nervous. Usually, he merely nodded for me to lay the column on his desk while talking on the phone or typing away on his typewriter before telling me to have a good day.

“Can I get you a glass of water?” he asked as I sat down.

I shook my head, bewildered. I noticed his face was clean-shaven, his hair neatly combed and his shirt and pants a little less wrinkled than usual. Instead of leaning back in his chair with a cigar he sat in it with his back straight, then leaned forward slightly, elbows propped on the desk.  His hazel eyes locked on mine as he spoke.

“Blanche, I’d like you to start writing some feature stories for us. One a week to start with. What do you think?”

He was offering me an actually paying job? I was dumbfounded.

“I – I don’t know what to say. I’ve never interviewed people before and I –“

“You’re a good writer, Blanche. You’re easy to talk to. People like you. You’d be writing fluff pieces. Stories about old men who grow 60-pound squashes in their backyard and women who win pie-baking contests 25 years in a row. Easy, softball stories. I think you can do it and those kinds of stories sell newspapers. Why don’t you think about it and let me know when you bring your column next week? What do you say?”

I cleared my throat. “Well, okay, I can tr–”

“Great,” Stanley spoke over me. Interrupting people seemed to be a habit with him, as if his brain moved in tune with the days breaking news and he was afraid slowing his words would let his competition beat him to the punch. “I’m sure you’ll realize it’s a good idea. Now, on another, entirely different, matter . . .”

Stanley shifted nervously in his chair, leaned back and crossed one leg over the other, uncrossed it again, and leaned forward in his chair. He cleared his throat, coughed and took a quick sip from his coffee mug.  I waited for the quick flow of words that normally came, but instead there was only awkward silence.

“This is awkward for me to ask, Blanche.”

A rush of nervous energy shot through me. Good grief, what was making this man so nervous? Why were his eyes darting from me to the top of his desk and back to me again? Oh no. He wasn’t going to ask me out, was he? I’d already turned Thomas down the year before. Were newspaper men somehow attracted only to anxious, introverted wallflower types? Not to mention, the man was old enough to be my father and my actual father couldn’t stand him.

“Blanche, how well do you know Marjorie Hakes?”

Relief washed over me. I wouldn’t have to turn down advances from an older man today after all. “Oh. Well, I –“

“I mean, I know you know her son, or you knew him, or .. well, you know what I mean.”

I felt the sudden urge to giggle at the way Stanley was stammering and stumbling over words.

“Yes, I was married to Hank at one time,” I said. “It’s not a secret to anyone in this little town.”

“Right,” Stanley said. “But, I mean, I don’t know what your relationship is with his mother now and if you are close to her or not …”

“Actually, I visit her once or twice a week so she can see her grandson.”

“Oh, yes, right. Of course. That makes sense. Very nice of you.”

Stanley paused and slid a cigar from a box on the corner of his desk. He stuffed it in the corner of his mouth but didn’t light it. Pulling it from his mouth he propped it between his forefinger and middle finger and started to say something then closed his mouth again. He cleared his throat and returned the cigar to the corner of his mouth.

“Stanley?”

“Yes?”

“Why are you asking me about Marjorie?”

“Oh, yes.” He cleared his throat again and I thought about suggesting he take another drink of his coffee to wash down that frog in his throat but the conversation was dragging on long enough as it was.

“I see Marjorie every morning at the diner and I – uh–” he coughed softly and leaned back in his chair, looking briefly at the top of the desk before raising his eyes to mine. “Do you think she would go out with me?”

I bit my lower lip to hold back the laughter. I had never seen Stanley look so anxious and laughter might make it worse. I pondered how to answer his question. I had a feeling Marjorie had put up walls around her heart the same way I had around mine and I wasn’t sure she’d be willing to open herself up again. I didn’t want to discourage Stanley, but I wasn’t sure if I should encourage him either.

I wanted happiness for Hank’s mom, but suddenly I wanted to protect her the way I had been protecting myself. Stanley didn’t seem like the most stable or compassionate person at times. I worried that working as a newspaper editor for so long had jaded him and Marjorie didn’t need a hard-hearted man; she needed someone who could be what Henry Hakes never was. Someone who would treasure her, treat her like a woman should be treated. I wondered how much Stanley knew about her marriage to Hank’s father and the abuse she had suffered. I didn’t feel it was my place to tell him.

“I think there is a possibility she will say yes,” I said finally. “I think there is also a possibility she will say ‘no.’ I know that is not the answer you were probably hoping for but I’m not sure how she feels about opening herself up to new relationships since her husband passed away. She’s . . . been through a lot. It could be hard for her to – well, to trust again.”

Stanley looked at me over folded hands, his elbows propped up on the desk, the cigar between his thumb and forefinger. “I’ve heard stories about her marriage,” he said. “I’ve heard stories about your marriage.  Neither of them were easy, from what I understand. So, I’m cognizant of the need to go slow here, if that’s what your getting at.”

Maybe Stanley wasn’t as jaded as I thought. “Yes. That was what I was getting at.”

Stanley combed his fingers back through his hair and straightened his tie. “Thank you, Blanche. That’s all I needed. Think about the feature writer position, okay? I’d like to have you on board.”

I hoped the tenderness I’d heard in Stanley’s voice when he talked about Marjorie was sincere and that I was seeing the real Stanley under his sometimes tough veneer. I hoped he wouldn’t break Marjorie’s heart the way her late husband and son had.

Stanley spoke as I reached for the doorknob. “Hey, before I forget, Thomas is the one who suggested I call you about writing the feature stories. He said you’re a good writer and I agreed. And you know,” he leaned his arm casually on the desktop in front of him and smirked. “I think Thomas may be a little sweet on you.”

Standing with my hand still resting on the doorknob I turned slightly and sighed. Could it be that even Stanley was trying to set me up with a man?

“Thank you, I’ll keep that in mind,” I said as I opened the door and stepped into the noisy newsroom.


Lisa R. Howeler is a writer and photographer from the “boondocks” who writes a little bit about a lot of things on her blog Boondock Ramblings. She’s published a fiction novel ‘A Story to Tell’ on Kindle and also provides stock images for bloggers and others at Alamy.com and Lightstock.com.

How I found out everyone hates the Christmas movies I like

Much to my horror this Christmas season I learned that half my family hates some of my favorite Christmas movies. I was crushed. Not really, but you know, we’ll pretend.

It turns out where I thought it should be tradition to watch ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ and ‘A Christmas Story’ my family (immediate and extended) didn’t feel the same and decided this year to vomit all over my Christmas movie parade.

I heard words like “schmaltz”, “cheesy,” “overplayed,” “sick of” and “not really my favorite, no” about my favorite movies. Okay, they aren’t my favorite movies really. And okay. I’ll admit it. I don’t want to see the entire movie of either movie. I mean, you can only watch one movie so many times before it’s like “Okay, okay…I get it.” And I sometimes hate the ending scene of It’s A Wonderful Life with the little girl saying “Every time a bell rings an angel gets its’ wings.” It’s sort of annoying because it’s been parodied so much.

Still, there are at least three scenes in the movie that I just adore and one of them is one of my favorite scenes in any movie I’ve seen. Whether you have seen the movie or not, I’ll set the stage: George has come to talk to Mary, at the prodding of his mother and he’s pretty down because his brother Harry has come home and it looks like he’s not going to stay and take over the Savings and Loan so George can go to college, like the original plan. Instead, George is going to be stuck at the savings and loan, no education or experience outside his little town under his belt.

He walks off to see Mary, who his mother hopes will lift his spirits (and I’m pretty sure she hopes he’ll realize he loves Mary too). Long story short, George and Mary’s old friend Sam Wainwright calls to talk to Mary but then he wants to talk to George too so they are sharing the old rotary phone – the one where the earpiece is detached from the mouthpiece.

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This necessitates George being close to Mary to hear and being close to Mary is the one thing George really doesn’t want because that’s when he starts to realize how much he really wants her. I love the acting in the scene – how you can see Jimmy Stewart’s expression change as he starts to smell her hair, feel him next to her. He wants to kiss her, hold her, not talk to Sam and it’s clear as each moment goes by and Sam continues to prattle on. Mary is starting to notice it too and her face is showing the struggle of her wanting to be close to George too.

Finally, George cracks and he’s holding Mary and she’s crying and he’s telling her he doesn’t want to get married because he doesn’t want to stay in this little town.

“I want to do what I want to do,” he tells her, grasping her shoulders and shaking her.

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He’s leaving, he’s not going to stay with her, and he wants her to know that, but he’s saying it more for himself than her because he knows he loves Mary and he knows his love for her will keep him tied down in this little town and will complicate his life even more. And all along, Mary’s mother is crying because her daughter is going to marry a poor man like George instead of the rich businessman, Sam.

I love that scene because it’s so real. It’s a man not wanting to admit he’s in love, instead of the usual schmaltzy romances where the man is going after the woman like a tenth-degree horn dog, so to speak.

According to trivia, I read about the scene, Jimmy Stewart was nervous about filming it because it was his first onscreen kiss since he had returned from World War II. Director Frank Capra guided him and the scene ended up unrehearsed and shot in one take. It worked so well that part of the embrace was too passionate and had to be cut from the movie because it couldn’t get past the censors.

In case you’re curious, my other favorite scenes are when the floor opens up and everyone falls in the pool and when George tells Mary he’ll lasso her the moon if she wants it.

As for A Christmas Story, I’ve rarely gone a Christmas season without watching the scene of him in the mall with Santa and the scene where he beats up the bully. I did not, however, see it this year, so I broke with tradition.

So truly, I wasn’t that offended (that offended) that part of my family doesn’t believe in watching the classics. Two things made me sad about it all, though. One, a lot of people seem to be annoyed with or disenchanted with some old, classic, sweet movies anymore and instead want to watch movies with what I believe often feature unnecessary smut, crudeness, and violence. Two, I miss my Christmas movie watching buddy, my aunt Dianne who I used to watch the favorite scenes of these movies with and who passed away four days after Christmas in 2017. These movies weren’t necessarily her favorite movies either, but we liked the tradition of watching them. More than missing the innocence movies used to show, I miss having that tradition with Dianne, but not as much as I miss just having her here to talk to.

How about you? Do you have favorite movies or at least favorite movie scenes? And do you have any sentimental memories attached to the scenes of movie? Let me know in the comments.


Lisa R. Howeler is a writer and photographer from the “boondocks” who writes a little bit about a lot of things on her blog Boondock Ramblings. She’s published a fiction novel ‘A Story to Tell’ on Kindle and also provides stock images for bloggers and others at Alamy.com and Lightstock.com.