loneliness

Here is some advice I could have used before I rambled too much on my blog about this period of loneliness I’ve been in.

At times God puts us through the discipline of darkness to teach us to heed Him. Song birds are taught to sing in the dark, and we are put into the shadow of God’s hand until we learn to hear Him…Watch where God puts you into darkness, and when you are there keep your mouth shut. Are you in the dark just now in your circumstances, or in your life with God? Then remain quiet…When you are in the dark, listen, and God will give you a very precious message for someone else when you get into the light. — Oswald Chambers

My favorite line of this quote, which I first saw in the Jan Karon book I’m currently reading, is “Watch where God puts you into darkness and when you are there keep your mouth shut.”

Keep your mouth shut.

Ouch.

That one hurt because I know I haven’t done it.

I certainly plan to read this quote over a few hundred times and chew on it for a bit. It was very timely for me and interesting because I almost didn’t read from that book due to being too tired.

If you feel so moved, tell me what you think of this quote. Does it fit where you are now or where you once were? Let me know in the comments.

I used to check my phone often. Maybe a friend would call or message or send an email even. But, no, the messages never came. I sent emails and texts and sometimes I even called but rarely did the calls get returned or a message sent unless I sent one.

Just recently I stopped looking at my phone. I realized I wasn’t going to be called any time soon. I wasn’t going to be emailed either. I wasn’t going to be asked how I was doing. I wasn’t going to be invited to a concert or an event or asked if I wanted to grab lunch together. I finally gave up and bought lunch for myself and ate it alone.

One reason I deleted my personal Facebook account was so I would stop looking at the blank messenger box and feeling depressed. I was starting to feel very pathetic as I looked at it expectingly, every day, only to be disappointed that either a person hadn’t responded to my last message six months ago or not one so-called “friend” had messaged to see how I was.

I should add that since deleting Facebook not one of the people on that oh-so-special “friends list” has asked me where I am or if I am okay. Not one. I read an article one time about a man who deleted his personal Facebook account and all his friends thought he’d died and called to check on him. Apparently, all my friends already thought I was dead and didn’t even bother to check.

It’s weird to get myself out of the habit of checking email or messenger, hoping someone cares enough to ask if I’m alive, but once you finally decide you don’t care anymore it makes it easier. It’s not that I don’t care I don’t have any friends left but I guess if I am meant to have friends again, God will provide them at the right time. For now, I am trying to start my day with a devotional and spend my days not expecting any contact from people who used to say I was important to them.

It makes my existence a little sad but also a little more free of drama and I would say that’s a good thing.