I was the one who fought for relationships over the years and one by one, as I realized I was the one calling or texting first, and stopped, they disappeared.

I have one close friend (who is online and lives several states away) and one friend who occasionally reaches out (maybe twice a year).

The rest have not spoken to me or asked how I was in close to a decade yet I held out hope for years they still cared about me. Oh man. Reading that makes me feel truly pathetic.

This week I let hope go and accepted they are people I used to know but never will again.

It hurt.

These were people I’d known since kindergarten in some cases. I didn’t release the hope I’d been holding on to that they’d realize all the hurt they caused me easily.

It was painful.

I cried a lot and when I thought I was done my stomach clenched and I cried again.

Sometimes my parents mention one or two of these people like they want me to be updated on them but I don’t know how to tell my parents in a nice way that I don’t care about these people anymore and haven’t for years.

They haven’t been part of my life and haven’t wanted to be so why do I care what is going on with them? I truly don’t.

It took me a long time to get to this point, which is so sad.

Most people would have been done after a year of ignored message or no contact but it took me almost five – five long years of crying and asking why and wondering why other friends got passes for not being perfect but I didn’t.

It even lingered for another four years. Still imagining that one day they’d reach out and say they were sorry it had been so long and how was I

I’m so naive and childish.

A few weeks ago, I finally started counting the years since they’d last spoke to me and it broke me.

Ten years in some cases. Eight in others.

All the same and to me for the same reasons.

I was too much.

I was too high maitenance.

I wasn’t worth their time.

I wasn’t worth fighting for.

I was a failure as a friend even when I tried to be there and reached out and cared way more than they ever did.

I’m not sure what they expected of me, but whatever it was I never met those expectations and never will.

Usually, when I write these type of posts, I end it on an upbeat note, and ramble on about how God loves me even though I am essentially friendless but…. I don’t feel that way right now.

Maybe it makes me a bad Christian but I just don’t feel that way these days.

I feel lonely and alone…and like God pulled everyone from me and doesn’t care one bit that I spend most days watching movies and reading books by myself while never knowing what physical symptoms I have from day to day.

 I don’t really have an upbeat feeling about any of this right now.

Coupled with realizing people I used to count as close friends stopped caring about what happens to me is realizing that even writing this post doesn’t matter.

They’ll never read it and even if they did, they wouldn’t care.