Socially Thinking: Let Men Be Men

/ Lisa R. Howeler

Many people don’t believe this, but there is a war on men in our world today. Maybe you have to be the mother of a boy to really see it.

Anything that is inherently male is being referred to these days as “toxic masculinity” when in fact much of what men do was biologically wired into them by a creator who purposely made men to be strong protectors.

If that above sentence offends you, then I’m sorry, but it’s true and I’m going to hit you with a few more truths.

Men are biologically physically stronger.

Men are biologically hard-wired to provide for their families (even if some don’t do it).

Men are biologically visually wired, and their eyes often wander where they shouldn’t.

Men are biologically “emotionally shut” off at times. (They’re not really shut off, but that’s how it can see because they process emotion differently than women.)

Men are biologically wired to protect and take care of women and children.

Men do not multi-task as well as women, which does not mean women are smarter, it means God made men to focus on (mainly) one task at a time and that task is usually centered on providing for his wife and family.

I’m not sure what has made some in society decide that men wanting to provide for their families and wanting to protect women and children as a bad thing.

Why in the world women are yelling at men for holding doors for them or holding their hand when they step down from a bus or out of a car? To me that shows a man is polite, not trying to show a woman he is superior. It’s not that he doesn’t think you can’t open a door or walk down a flight of stairs without killing yourself, it’s that something deep in him says, “I should respect this woman and hold the door for her and help her balance as she descends these stairs.”

Toxic masculinity to me is when a man stands over a woman and tells her he is superior. A man acting on what God has built in him to do is not toxic.

I recently watched an episode of The Andy Griffith Show where Opie becomes upset when a young girl he befriends is better than him at everything. The girl is Andy’s girlfriend’s (Helen’s) niece. When Opie stops talking to the girl, she can’t figure out why. Helen tells her niece that she knows why. Earlier in the episode Andy got upset when he found out Helen was better than him at bowling. At first Helen tells Andy that he shouldn’t be upset that she’s better than him at something, but during the conversation with her niece she realizes that men are biologically built to want to protect a woman and that’s why they feel threatened by smarter or more accomplished women. If a man feels he can’t do something better than a woman, then he feels he isn’t strong enough to protect her. I am, of course, summarizing what Helen says.

Does that sound a little silly to us women? Sure it does. It even sounds silly to men when it’s said out loud, but subconsciously that’s most likely where the awkwardness comes when a woman succeeds in something that men traditionally are dominate in. Most men eventually get over that inferior feeling and realize that they aren’t less of a man because a woman is better than them at sports or lifting heavy things or . . . thinking (*wink* I’m kidding about the thinking part! Only a few of us women are way better than men at thinking. Totally. *hee* *hee* Allow me a little teasing while I defend men.)

Helen tells her niece that sometimes a woman should let the man be strong. She should let him “be the winner”, so to speak, to help them feel strong again. She wasn’t saying that a woman should subjugate herself to a man or pretend to be dumb, but that it isn’t necessary to flaunt her superiority in front him every chance she gets either.

Helen has come to realize that one way to respect a man  (because yes, even with all the chants of ‘respect women’ we should also ‘respect men’), women should also respect how men are built, which is to be the protector of a woman.

Again, this idea totally goes against the modern day of feminism because we are told that if a woman lets a man be strong, she’s letting him rule over her. That’s not what I’m suggesting. If a man is abusive toward a woman in any way, then that is toxic masculinity and he shouldn’t be respected.

I’m also not suggesting lying to a man. If you’re better than bowling at him, well, he’s going to figure it out eventually but there is no need to rub it in his face and make him feel inferior, the same way it would be wrong for him to do the same to you. (I’m not opposed to a little gloating, of course.)

Deep down, all men want to be the protector. If they can’t be the protector, they feel like a woman doesn’t need him, which creates a whole other host of issues for a relationship. Many men like an independent woman too, but if, once in a while, she shows she’s vulnerable, well, they really like that too.

Now, if a man is arrogant or abusive about his strength, feels he can overpower a woman or he acts like women are beneath him intellectually and otherwise, then yes, women should stand up and say something. That is “toxic masculinity”. For the most part, though, let the man be a man.

The bottom line is that women need to step back, take a breath, and have some patience with the men in our lives. Many times, a man will figure out on his own he was being rude or making the woman in his life feel less than. The Bible calls for us to pray for our husbands, and that doesn’t mean praying God “fixes” them.

In case anyone reads this and believes I believe women should just shut up and let their husbands walk all over them, believe me, I do not believe that at all. Just ask my husband.

 I believe a husband and wife should be equal in their marriage. Many pastors have taken Ephesians 5: 19-33 out of context over the years by suggesting wives should “submit” to their husbands when the verse actually trying to say that a man and wife submit to and love each other.

21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

There are biological differences between males and females. That’s a fact. Those differences are natural and something to be recognized, embraced and accepted.

No amount of hormone injections will change those physiological and psychological differences. Each sex is born with their own set of differences engrained in their DNA. It is grafted into them. A person can inject themselves with all the hormones of the opposite sex they want, place the genitalia of the other sex on themselves, and declare themselves a different sex, but the differences between men and women go deeper than sexual organs or hormones.

God created those differences, and in order for the two sexes to get along, we should start recognizing that and accepting it as reality.

17 thoughts on “Socially Thinking: Let Men Be Men”

  1. I totally agree with this. I honestly don’t think there is anything more attractive in a man than his willingness to stand up for and protect his wife and family. As a single parent I can handle most things on my own, I can fix a hole in the wall, mow the lawn, do woodwork, change lightbulbs (lol), and pretty much everything around the house (except for cars, don’t know anything about cars) but I’m old school and love it when a man opens a door or helps me out with things that need fixing or offers to come with me to something that is difficult to deal with. Even though a lot of women fight it, it’s a natural instinct for us to want a man like this but I believe society at one point tried to romanticize this notion too much, with the whole damsel in distress scenario. The princess in the tower waiting to be rescued, or the peasant girl in danger from the monster or dragon, the white night riding in to conquer the danger and sweep her off her feet. Little girls were growing up with this notion that women were always the victims and men were the heroes that could save them from anything and everything and then as they grew up they realized that this was not reality, no one can save you from everything and a man is not going to make you complete on his own, so disappointment became every young women’s reality. Then society again took the lead and performed overkill with the whole “women are just as strong as men, we don’t need men” mentality, diminishing the role of a strong man altogether. Now men don’t know what to do, they are forced to ask the question straight up if a woman is fiercely independent or willing to let him lead a majority of the time. Boys are no longer being brought up to respect women or care about their safety and domestic violence is on the rise partly because of this lack of respect toward women and partly because of the lack of respect toward a man’s role in the home, sometimes all one way, sometimes all the other and sometimes a balance of both. I don’t see society changing anytime soon but it’s up to each individual woman to not only see the value in a man’s strength but to believe she deserves a man who will treat her with such respect and stop settling for less than.

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  2. Your discussion was well a balanced and objective. I appreciate your final part about the text and meaning of Ephesians 5:19-33. My wife and have discussed this passage, and we are in total agreement with you. Thanks Lisa, and blessings to you and your family.

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  4. You bring up some really great points. It’s hard to watch how our culture belittles one group in an attempt to make another group feel more equal. By trying to erase what makes us different, we also erase what makes us special. Thanks for stirring up an important topic.

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  5. One thing that I’ve come to realize as a wife and mother of two boys is that my husband and sons handle emotions very differently than I do. They are usually very quick to get over emotional slights and don’t require much processing time, whereas I sometimes require days to process and heal. This has sometimes annoyed me because I feel like I can’t always have the “deep” conversations with my husband that I want. However, I think this may be a part of how they’re wired too – able to bounce back quickly, which is how they are able to succeed in fast paced environments – which is often necessary when going out to work and provide for your family. What some would call, perhaps, “insensitivity,” I have come to view as a coping mechanism. I’m glad my husband and boys are able to bounce back from things and move on with their lives without little problems consuming them. Now I’m not saying all men are like this necessarily or that all women are like me, but it’s a difference that I’ve definitely noticed in my family. I don’t have a little girl but I wonder if they generally require more support and time to process emotional events.

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    • Men compartmentalize, something they needed to do in the early days of civilization when the focus needed to be on surviving. They only had so much time to process. I honestly think the differences are fascinating. I read a great book by Dr. Kevin Lehman years ago about the differences between men and women and it really opened my eyes to how men think and why. Men honestly can’t process all the information we toss at them so shutting down is sort of a coping mechanism like you said. It can definitely be frustrating to their wives when we feel they are shut up, but eventually, they do open up…just not in the way we want them to. It’s important for us to not see them as “one of the girls” for us to gossip with.

      And little problems don’t “consume them” right away but as the mom of a son, I have realized that they do still think about it later – they don’t just mull it over and over and over like us women. 😉

      I think some girls do take longer to process events, but my daughter processes differently than some girls. She seems to move right along. Then again, she’s only 6 so that’s a 6-year old thing, I think. She internalizes her stress, I’ve realized. She doesn’t seem upset and or like she needs to process, but then she shows her anxiety or worry in other ways – like going to the bathroom a lot or being very clingy.

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      • Ah, I see. A very interesting topic, that’s for sure! What was the name of that book by Kevin Lehman? He said something once that really turned me off so I’ve avoided his books. But maybe I shouldn’t throw them all out just because of that one thing.

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        • Honestly, he wrote something that really turned me off and I don’t read him anymore but I did like most of the book anyhow. He pretty much excused affairs by men as “men will be men” and while I want men to be men, I don’t believe betrayal is biologically hardwired in them

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        • The book was “How To Have A New Husband by Friday.” It is not about changing your husband but about understanding why your husband is the way they are and seeing him in a different light. I did like that aspect of it. But, based on the one section, I probably would not touch any other of his books.

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  6. This was an interesting read! My husband and I always have discussions about the men being stronger than women thing. I probably get too specific and say well I am sure there is some woman out there stronger than you Billy… Lol. But I would say yes, for the most part men are designed to be stronger than women.

    And while I am all for women’s rights, I still also like to feel protected by men. Just on Sunday I went to Aldi’s near my house and while I was in line, a young couple brazenly cut in front of me with their entire cart of groceries. I had a loaf of bread and bananas and was pretty irritated but didn’t say anything, since you never know these days, at least in our area, if you will be like shot for saying something. I did however turn around and raise my eyebrows at the guy behind me in a wordless “are you seeing this” communication. So then the man behind me proceeded to yell at the couple and make them get behind us. When I got back home I told Billy I must have powerful eyebrows. I was very thankful for that guy’s interference. I realize it was not just for my benefit, but his as well, but still.

    I also like having doors held for me as well. Billy was raised to be a gentleman and have good manners, and he has been yelled at by women who say they can do it themselves. Well good for you but it is just a nice gesture. I think you can be both a strong woman and accepting of small things like this as well. Isn’t that the goal of feminism, to have it all? You can be both strong and brave and feminine and desiring of protection. I can certainly defend myself and have, but it is also nice to have someone else step in.

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    • Right, I don’t think there is anything wrong with a strong woman at all. There also isn’t anything wrong with a man standing up for a woman or holding a door or telling the couple with all the groceries they are rude. lol.

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