I read a quote recently about the real test of the Christian faith is not if we love Jesus but if we can love Judas.

Ouch.

That’s something I had never really thought about.

Loving Judas.

Have you ever thought about loving the man who betrayed Jesus to the Romans and whose actions led him to his death?

I mean, if he hadn’t done that then Jesus wouldn’t have been led to the cross and died there for our sins, right?

Or would God have found another way?

Sometimes I wonder why God couldn’t have found another way.

Was it God’s plan or Judas’s free will that led him to do what he did? God gave him free will but he also knows the future so he allowed Judas to condemn himself to hell – I have to be honest that this kept me awake last night because I didn’t like the idea that a man was allowed to go to hell to complete God’s plan.

This is how my brain worked as I thought about it all: Did he walk himself to his doom and direct path to hell or did God help him along?

It is a twisting and turning journey in my brain that I don’t want to take. I’ll never really know no matter how many times I think about it anyhow. Not until Jesus calls me home. Then it will be one of the first questions I ask him.

This past week I thought about who the Judas are in my life. Or who were.

The people who did things to me or those I loved that were so horrible I can’t imagine how to forgive them. I’ve actually come a long way in forgiving those who did things to me or maybe those who were rude and dismissive to family members of mine.

But those who sexually and mentally abused children I know?

To be honest and open — I can’t say that I’ve been able to forgive that person. Not even a little bit. And I don’t know how I ever will. In the Bible it says we must forgive those who sin against us, but how? How do you forgive the monsters in the world? That, to me, is only a forgiveness God can give because as humans it’s too big of a task.

As soon as I read that question a few months ago about loving Judas two people came into my mind. One I’ve slowly been able to forgive but might never fully trust again. The other? I see only red when I think of them.

I wish I could write here, right now, that I thought to myself about that one person when I read that quote, “Yes, I can love the Judas in my life because God has called me to,” but I didn’t think that. Not at all. I thought, “Oof..” like I’d been punched in the gut. I thought “Wow. What a question.”

But at no time did I think, “Yes, Lord, I can.”

Because I can’t.

Not now, and without Jesus supernaturally hallowing me out and replacing my humanness with his holiness, I don’t see how I ever can.

Jesus loved Judas therefore he can love even us when we are at our lowest and darkest.

This is something I’ve read and heard before and the next question is if he could love the real Judas, can I love the real Judas in my life?

For now, all I can say is, “I’ll keep praying about it.”

Because at this point, at least in one case, – even though the Bible says God can not forgive us if we do not forgive others – the answer is no.

As Thomas who asked to be helped with his unbelief, I am asking God to help me with seeing others as he sees them. Maybe one day I will.