“I don’t see a change, Lord,” I said one night, laying in bed, thinking about all my health issues. “Some days it almost seems worse. No matter how much I pray for healing. Figuring it all out is so expensive and I don’t want surgery if I even need it. What do I do?”
Silence.
“Should I call the doctor?”
Silence.
“Should I fight to actually be diagnosed with this disease, or should I . . .”
Silence.
Honestly, I sometimes feel as if God really isn’t listening to, or helping, me with some of the health concerns I’ve been having for the last few years, but then, there are days I feel like he’s directing me to “wait.”
Be still and wait.
Two of the things I am the absolute worst at.
“You know what, God, I’ll just handle this!” I cry out in frustration. “Just..never mind! If you don’t want to answer me, then I’ll just fix it myself.”
Be still and wait. I’ve got this.
It’s very hard to trust God when we don’t see things changing. Trust me, I know this first hand.
But the Bible tells us to trust he is working for our good even when we can’t see it.
This whole “trust in God” thing has been a real struggle for me over the last couple of years. There are days I feel so hopeless with situations in my life, from finances to the lack of friendships, to trying to sell our house and chronic health issues that never seem to go away.
I heard a great sermon once entitled “The Battle Belongs to the Lord.” I don’t always agree with the pastor, but for this sermon, I absolutely agreed with him.
Each time I find myself in despair I hear the pastor saying, “The battle belongs to the Lord.”
The devil will tell us, “But your checking account is still empty,” and that is when you say “The battle belongs to the Lord,” the pastor said.
This is exactly what happened to me last week when I looked at our savings and realized we were really going to be struggling to make our mortgage payment this month after some unexpected expenses. I began to fall back into the familiar pattern of panic, trying to figure it all out in my head and fix it on my own.
Then I heard the words: “The battle belongs to the Lord.”
This week my mind, for some reason, started rushing again with thoughts of some inconclusive tests I have had in the last few years for a disease that can only be cured by what some consider a minor surgery (I consider all surgeries major.)
“What if I have this?”
“I need to figure this out.”
“I need to decide what to do right now about it because what if this disease kills me. I mean, they say it could take many years, but still. . . ”
I began “researching” on Google, talking to others on a Facebook support group who have it, looking at all my test results again, thinking and stressing. I started to fall back again into a pattern of negative thinking that three years ago left me almost completely mentally paralyzed.
The battle belongs to the Lord.
The words kept coming back to me. Over and over.
I signed out of Facebook, I stopped Googling, and I turned on a sermon podcast and laid down for bed. A year ago I wouldn’t have done any of those things. I would have Googled and researched and fretted all night long.
“The battle belongs to the Lord,” I repeated to myself, over and over to try to calm myself.
I don’t think it is a coincidence that I fall into these obsessive, worrying thoughts about my health, finances, or future in seasons of my life where I feel God is calling me to continue with a task he has asked me to finish. I have a feeling someone is trying all he can to distract me from the here and now; to lead me down paths of confusion so I will forget my calling, forget that God has asked me
to write and to raise and teach my children. What God has called me to may not seem as important as what he has called others to, but this is the path he has set for me and it is clear to me that Satan prefers that I forget about that path and wander off on some wild goose chase in another direction.
There have been more than a few times I have snapped back to reality while running around an empty left field of life like a chicken with my head cut off. I’ve looked around and noticed that where I was supposed to be is way off in the distance. I then have to toss aside the random worries to get back to where I need to be, but I can only do that with the help of God.
He tenderly takes my hand every time this happens and says, “No. Not here. Over here where I asked you to be and where I am doing a new thing, even if you can’t see it. Stay on this path. I will be here with you, even on the darkest days.”
And God does this repeatedly.
Repeatedly he steps off the path we were on together, and I wandered off from, takes my hand and leads me out of the wilderness of anxiety, panic, and confusion and back to the path he set for me.
He’s never impatient when he guides me back.
He’s never frustrated and never scolds me for walking off and letting my human side rule for a while.
He simply leads me back, leans down close and whispers, “Keep going. This way. We’ll get there together, beloved.”
I know I’ll wander off again.
I know I’ll lose myself in a fog of confusion again.
I know I’ll panic again, cry and ask God, “Where are you?!” because I will forget, once again, that he’s right here, next to me, where he’s always been.
Boondock Ramblings 
Well shared Lisa. Be strengthened deeply as you continue your great ministry.
Here’s a word that helped bring encouragement and I wanted to share it with you and yours.
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Lisa, this is just like my life. Please know you have my prayers and support! 🙏💗 I’m unemployed (had to leave a job I just about lived for) waiting to hear if I qualify for disability.
Have you ever read Wounded by Love: The Life and Wisdom of Elder Porphyrios? It changed my life. There were many wonderful parts in the book, but there was one part that struck me. He suggested whenever you have a bad thought, just picture Christ or the Theotokos (Virgin Mary) giving you a big hug and keep repeating “Lord have mercy! Lord have mercy!” And it will go away. It works!!! I’m so much more at peace practicing this.
Also, there are a couple of examples in the Bible that I learned about which can help you during the “waiting”. For example, a subdeacon had reminded me of the woman with the flow of blood for 20 years. There was a reason she was like that -to help reveal the miracle Jesus could heal her through her faith. As I’m reading about the wisdom of the saints, I’m learning that suffering now brings us closer to God, as difficult as that might be yo accept. Also, there’s a chance that someone/some people may need to learn from you being ill. For me, I also believe that I needed to leave my career I thought I was born for. I am embarrassed to say fought it, and it (situation and health) kept getting worse. I now that I’m out, I believe He wants me to heal and head in a new direction. Please know I’m always here for an ear if you ever would like one! 😊💕
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Thank you so much, Gia! And for the book suggestion and for remembering to say “Lord have mercy.” That made me laugh a little because it reminded me of my mom when I was little and when she got frustrated she would hold her hand to her forehead and say “Lord, give me strength.” A totally different thing, but it made me think of it. I’ll pray for you and that you have a clearer picture of what you should do when it comes to your career. It can be so tough to know why we are walking the path we are, but at least we know we are not walking it alone.
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What a great reminder to be still and wait. I’m so impatient, though!
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I am so thankful you shared this today. Such a great reminder that I needed to hear also. I love that song by John Michael Talbot, too! God knows just what we need to hear. Prayers and Blessings for you!
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Oh Lisa. Yes, yes, and yes! You just reached inside my head and put out thoughts and feelings into words for me. Thank you for this. I read it with tears in my eyes. God is good and thankfully so patient with us! Whatever our calling is, satan doesn’t want us to do it. All callings are important and big in my eyes, they just look different to everyone! Praying for you! God Bless!
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Thank you. I’m sorry, I don’t think I know your first name but I’m glad it will hit you where you needed it and I’ll be praying for you too. I almost didn’t post it because I couldn’t get it to come out right. See? Satan was still trying to stop me by telling me “it doesn’t sound right … you shouldn’t post it yet.” Oh well…. posted it anyhow!
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🙂 Exactly! He is a sneaky one and loves to feed on our doubts and insecurities. I don’t share my name online because I like anonymity. Only my husband and a couple of close friends know I even have a blog, so yeah. Thank you for the prayers, I really appreciate it!
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That’s okay! I don’t blame you! Sometimes I figure I shouldn’t put my name out there but I’ve been doing it so long and figure if someone wants to find me they will anyhow .. however I don’t feel I’m exciting enough for anyone to look me up! Lol. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone
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This brought tears to my eyes. Beautiful.
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Thank you, Erin
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I was blessed reading this, Lisa. I’ve equally had a share of those silent moments from God’s side, and only in hindsight do I appreciate that He was there all the while, working. I’ve had the temptation to wander off from the path He wants me to walk, and fortunately for me – and unfortunately for my flesh – God has hemmed me in a situation where the only direction to face is forward. Thank you for the post. I might use a quote on a Facebook post.
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I had to say it again in the night as I kept waking up with various aches and to pee a lot. I just never know what is causing these issues 😦 but I trust he will show me someday what path to take to heal them.
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